October Sundays

Wine pix2

2010-07-30T07:50:00.001-07:00

Wine pix

2010-07-30T07:50:00.000-07:00

Welcome to OA, Welcome Home

2009-08-31T22:41:00.000-07:00

OA in San Diego is cool. They have meetings here every day, multiple times a day. It's not like home where it was one day a week. Help here is literally just a meeting away. Plus they have multiple meeting formats like Women's meeting, a Steps meeting where you go through and discuss each step, and on and on. Tonight was a format like I have never been a part of before. There was a podium up front and the entire room was filled with chairs lined in rows like a classroom. I couldn't believe how many people were there. I got a warm welcome since I'm a newcomer from Indiana--the new people in OA are the most important.

Anyway, what really got me thinking was the passage from OA For Today that a young woman read. It was the topic of discussion at the meeting.

I have never seen a person grow or change in a constructive direction when motivated by guilt, shame, and/or hate. -William Goldberg

For today: I let no one--including myself--try to shame me into changing something about myself I wish were different. I pray to be relieved of guilt and self-hate, and to accept and like myself exactly as I am. That is where I can begin to change.

What would it be like to accept myself the way I am right now? Honestly? Too scary. Why would I want to accept myself? I could no longer obsess about all the things I want to change or think up ways I could be better. I would no longer be able to berate myself for not having the job I want, not having more friends, not being skinny, not dressing fashionably, not having perfect white teeth or straight teeth, not having long enough or straight enough hair, not having better social skills, not being able to be the life of the party, never knowing the right thing to say, not being able to get the guy I want, not being able to make decisions on my own, never knowing what to do, and always thinking someone else is better.

If I weren't doing all of that, what would I do? Would I just enjoy life? I mean, how though? I make up the rules about what I need to be happy. If I accept myself, it means accepting mediocrity. I'm not even sure what makes me happy right now. Moving away from everything I know and not having a job puts me in an awkward position where I have to find my place again. I'm not even sure that I am homesick because I'm still me in this body--only 2000 miles away from where I was before. Changing location doesn't change attitudes. I am no happier or sadder than where I came from. If I'm not happy, it's a reflection of who I am on the inside. That's the thing about OA, you realize it's not about the food.

So anyway, the realization I came up with today is that the thing that makes me feel the most happy ever is being accepted. LOL! It's so funny because I don't accept myself. That being the case, my happiness hinges on other's acceptance of me. Sometimes I like myself, but it's so much easier to be critical--it's familiar. When someone else recognizes and brings something positive about me to my attention, it's like the gates of heaven open up. I want so much to be liked but I still don't believe there is much there worth liking. That's why I'm in OA--it's not about food, it's about self-worth and how that relates back to your eating.

So whatever, I am just rambling now but I'm no longer in therapy and this is therapeutic for me. I haven't even blogged for weeks because it wasn't until now that I felt like I even had anything important to talk about. I guess one last thing I'll mention about tonight was how OA is great because people there accept you. It's such a great feeling to the point that you almost wish the entire world (or dad, or ex bf, or whoever troubles you) would accept you with open arms.

I was so surprised tonight when a newcomer (literally, it was her first meeting) came up and said to me that she didn't understand why I was here. I assume she was referring to my body weight and appearance. I guess to someone who is obese, I don't seem too bad, but it did shock me. I seriously look in the mirror and see an oompa loompa, like from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Short, fat, and round. Or Shrek with broad shoulders, a kind of mannish build. I don't feel womanly and I certainly don't dress womanly. I pray for the day when I look in the mirror and can accept the person looking back at me. When I finally accept myself, I think I may finally be happy. Besides, it's my acceptance that matters most.

Thanks for listening to me, cyberspace. Goodnight.

Appreciate the Journey

2009-08-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

This poem sums up my feelings today as I pack and prepare for my journey and the next chapter in my life. In every sense of the meaning, I'm taking a "leap of faith" bigger than any I have taken before. I have a feeling Robert Frost was right, but in the meantime I'll just have to wait and see. For now, I just need to sit back and appreciate the journey, let go of control, and see where it takes me.

ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost

Home Sweet Home, No More...

2009-08-05T09:21:00.001-07:00

As my time here in Bloomington dwindles down, I am getting sad about leaving my hometown and home for the last 26 years of my life. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to begin a new chapter in my life, but Bloomington will always hold a special place in my heart.

I found something today that I wrote about Bloomington, but I'm not even sure what I was writing for. Anyway I didn't want to just delete it, obviously there was some purpose behind it. Maybe it's no "coincidence" that I ran across it as I am preparing for my big move.

I live in Bloomington, IN which is the home of Indiana University. Many of the activities in Bloomington are built around the campus (football games, basketball games, shows put on at the IU Auditorium such as Riverdance and Rent). Check out 4th street which is famous for all our different foreign food restaurants (Indian, Moroccan, Italian, and Turkish cuisine just to name a few). Also you can eat at the Dalai Lama's brother's restaurant "The Snow Lion". Half an hour away is Brown County Indiana, where there are hundreds of little shops selling everything from homemade fudge to blown glass to jewelery. My favorite time of season is the fall when they have all their fall decorations out. It's like walking around a cute little historical village from the past. Also there are tons of wineries around Bloomington. The closest is Oliver Winery which is absolutely beautiful -- tons of picnic tables and a small pond outside. An hour from Bloomington is Indiana's capital, Indianapolis. If you enjoy shopping in many high-end shops such as Coach and Banana Republic, definitely check out the Circle Center Mall or the Fashion Mall. French Lick Indiana is another main attraction. Only about 1 1/2 away you can gamble on their Riverboat casino and walk around the beautiful West Baden hotel which was just recently restored. Figures such as Al Capone once stayed there when French Lick was a booming town known for it's purifying Pluto Water.

Cake Class Finale

2009-07-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

I've been horrible about updating lately. My apologies! I have been busy moving from my apartment into my temporary living situation at my mom's house. Also my birthday was yesterday and the entire last week was spent in preparation for my party last weekend. YES, I made my own birthday cake (surprised?) and I cannot WAIT to get pictures up! But first I need to go a few weeks back and post pictures from my last cake class.

However, before I do that, I need to share some bad news. Over the 4th of July weekend, my cake instructor unexpectedly passed away. They believe it was a heart attack. I am still in shock over the news, especially considering I had just seen Linda the week before she passed away looking happy and well. Cake class was always something I looked forward to each week and Linda was 100% responsible for creating such a fun and friendly atmosphere.

I am so thankful that I was able to meet Linda and have her be a part of my life, even if it was only for a short time. I will always remember Linda's infectious smile and wonderful spirit. She was so very talented when it came to cake decorating and I am thankful I was able to learn under her. I send my greatest condolences to her family and close friends, as I'm sure they are all feeling the impact of this terrible loss. I especially feel for her daughter, who Linda always spoke fondly of. I know we are close in age and I can only imagine how she feels. God Bless.

My last cake was from Course 3 where we learned about fondant and tiered cakes. I included a post earlier about making fondant roses for my cake. I had to make 40, but thankfully these can be made weeks in advance. For my cake, I used 10" cake rounds for the bottom tier of the cake and 6" cake rounds for the top tier, covered both in butter cream, and then rolled fondant over top. I smoothed out the fondant so that it hugged the sides of the cake and trimmed off the excess around the edges. MUCH harder than it looks!

It's important to use buttercream icing under the fondant because it helps a) keep the fondant in place and b) helps the taste! Not everyone likes the taste of fondant, but I think the combination (fondant + buttercream) is yummy! I also used buttercream icing to make my borders around the bottom of the cakes. The next step was placing my fondant roses and leaves on the cake. After this was done, I finally was able to stack the top tier onto the bottom and presto finito--done! See pictures below.

See the World through Rose Colored Lenses

2009-07-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

"I know it is not the goodness or badness of the world, but my mind which tints the lenses through which I see."

I love today's OA meditation and just thought I would share because it goes along with what I have been talking about in previous blogs and thinking about on my own. I have finally come to accept that I cannot control anything outside of myself. I know that I cannot change others even though God-willing, sometimes I would like to! My care and concern, and admittedly my selfishness, often gets me overly involved in people's problems. However, I think there is some merit in the idea that sometimes other people can see in us what we cannot see with our own eyes. That's why I often ask for others opinions, but I am slowly beginning to trust my own inner guidance.

Before you go about trying to change others, ask yourself first--what do I need to change? Do you want to become a better version of yourself? Ask those around you for their honest opinion of you and what they think you could work on. Ask your friends, significant other, and co-workers how they would rate you on a scale of 1 through 10. Ask them how you can be a better partner, friend, or co-worker. Don't immediately become defensive. Just hear them out.

Simply because you cannot change the people you would like to change doesn't mean that you can't be an inspiration to others. Keep smiling--it'll make people wonder what you're up to! When you have what others want, they will come forward to ask for your opinion, your advice, or how to go about achieving the same successes.

"For Today: I am letting go of my urge to change people and situations to fit my expectations. It is not the world that needs changing; it is I."

When Life Gives You Lemons... make a Lemon Drop Martini!

2009-07-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

I know this isn't how the old adage goes, but I'm a modern gal and if I have a choice between lemonade and a lemon drop martini--do you really have to ask? The point is not whether you prefer electric versus non-electric lemonade. The point is that you shouldn't let those lemons go to waste!

Every person, situation, or event in your life brings with it an opportunity to learn and grow.

However, it is my belief that in order to grow we must do two things. First, you need to be completely honest with yourself. You must honestly assess the situation you're in, how you got there, and what you would prefer instead. Based on that information, you can then set a new goal, write out the steps you must take in order to achieve that goal, and make it happen.

The second thing you need in order to grow is to be willing to take risks. Growth is not easy. If it were, you'd probably be there already. Nobody ever got rich sitting around in their parents' basement--so get out there and start taking chances!

Figure out what it is you have to risk in order to achieve your goal--it may require relocating to a new city where you don't know anyone, taking the time and spending the money to go back to school, quitting your current job and giving up financial security, re-writing your resume or hiring someone to re-write it for you, or talking to others who have achieved your goals already and finding out how they did it.

All of these things require risks--risk of rejection, money, time, etc. You may not always be successful, but rather than dwell on your failures (which there's bound to be) you must celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Remember, progress over perfection!

Oh Sweet Serenity

2009-07-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I had therapy and OA today and both helped return me to sanity. Sometimes my thoughts and feelings become so overwhelming. A negative thought has ten times more power than a positive thought for me. Does this tend to be true for most people?

Every week in OA we recite the serenity prayer. It's something I am beginning to take to heart. The idea that I can't control anything but myself gives me permission to let go, which is harder than it sounds. Tonight someone said something about how things don't always go the way she wants and that she just had to learn to accept that. I can definitely relate. How many times were there things that I wanted that never came to fruition? It's difficult because I get so attached to an image of what I want that when I don't get it, I get extremely disappointed. It was nice hearing that I wasn't the only one that happened to and knowing that we all have to accept whatever life decides to throw at us.

Today I learned that life and all of our endeavors are about progress not perfection. As long as we are progressing, we're being successful. One day at a time.

Insomnia Word Vomit

2009-07-07T23:57:00.000-07:00

In life, in general we aren't aware when we are hurting others. I know it's not always intentional, but it's interesting that people are either not aware, or even when you bring it to their awareness they still may never get it. This is my way of letting go what I cannot control. This is directed at no one in particular--just a random collection of feelings and thoughts I am experiencing all jumbled into one. Also, I'm extremely tired and can't get to sleep, so if this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, that is why.

Ok, I will admit only that some of this is aimed at my father but that's all you get! ;)

I don't need a spokesperson.

I don't need a back massager,

Or ego stroker.

I don't need a narcissist,

I don't need a nemesis,

Or pacifist.

I don't need a lecturer,

I don't need a pick-me-down,

Or all around bully.

I need a friend,

I need a supporter,

and a believer in me.

I need upfront,

I need care and concern,

and I need it to be real.

Today's OA quote

2009-07-05T08:59:00.000-07:00

If an ass goes traveling, he'll not come home a horse. -Thomas Fuller

"'Going somewhere else has great appeal for many who are addicted to too much of a good thing.' This is known as 'geographic cure,' although those who use this term are well aware that a 'geographic' cures nothing; it is just another escape. Escapes simply compound addiction.

For today: God grant me the wisdom to understand my longings and the willingness to act in my own best interest." -For Today, OA

Today's quote leaves me baffled. I don't think I am trying to run away from anything. I don't think my life will magically become better if I leave Bloomington. I'm happy here and I could remain happy here. I have great friends, family, my dog, and I genuinely love my life. I guess what I don't love is my job and for some reason I have always had a yearning to leave Bloomington and Indiana. I just want to know what's out there.

I think at first when I was considering school in Chicago I did want to run away. I kept thinking, "what is there for me here?" I didn't have a boyfriend, I didn't like my job, and I wasn't involved in anything I was really passionate about. Now I still don't have the bf or the job I love, but I have goals and something I am passionate about working towards. I guess I could stay here in Indiana and try to make my career goals come true, go to school here, etc. But when else am I going to have this chance to do something completely different? If I stay here, I may find a job, meet a guy, settle down and never get the chance to do this. If I go, then I always have the option of coming back, which I hope to do. I ultimately would like to get married and raise a family close to home.

So, I'm not sure if this quote applies to me. I definitely agree with the prayer at the end though. I really do hope that God can help me understand my longings and help me act in my own best interest.

Fondant Roses

2009-07-01T09:53:00.001-07:00

Well, last night was my last cake class. Yes, I know, sadness! However, in a way I'm a little happy too. I love doing cakes, but my schedule has been so hectic lately. I need to begin packing my apartment up this week/weekend because my lease ends next Wednesday. I also want more free time to be able to spend with my friends and family, especially before I make the big move to San Diego.

Luckily, I'll be taking tomorrow off from work in order to begin packing and also wrap up on my final cake. I'm taking my cake with me to French Lick to celebrate my friend Randy's daughter's birthday. I hope Jill likes the cake! That also means you'll have to stay tuned to see pictures of the final product.

At this point, all I need to do is stack the top tier onto the bottom one and put on the fondant roses. Below I included some pictures of the work that goes into making fondant roses. Fondant is similar to working with PlayDough except that it's sweet (not salty) if you decide you want to eat it. A lot of people don't like the taste of fondant, but it doesn't bother me. Then again I'll eat anything w/ sugar in it :)

The English actually were the first ones to use fondant because they would put so much liquor in their cakes, they needed something to hold it all together with. They, however, were smart enough to know it was just for looks and peeled the fondant off to the side when it was time to eat the cake. Americans, well... we'll eat anything! We're firm believers of never leaving anything to waste.

In the most basic description, you roll out the fondant and use cookie cutters to carve out your shapes. I won't get into all the details of how to make a flower because there's so many steps. I will say, however, that I much prefer the look of the fondant rose to the buttercream rose. It's just so much easier to work with and in my opinion looks so much better too, but I'll let you be the judge.

I hope you all have a fantastic 4th of July! I know I will!

Dining Out with the Fitness Fashionista

2009-06-30T07:00:00.000-07:00

Last week I went out to eat with my real life friend and fellow blogger Char from The Fitness Fashionista. We hit up a local favorite, Gratzie Italian Eatery, to talk and catch up on life. Ours are both extremely busy, so it's not often we get a chance to actually see each other in person! Char brought along the camera to document our trip for her blog and wrote a great article about it called "Eating Out Tips: Dining Out Without Ditching Your Diet". Catchy title, isn't it? :)

Char from TheFitnessFashionista.blogspot.com and myself. (Ok, not my best photo, but forgive me!)

It was great fun and I think we might do it again soon, so stay tuned there may be more dining out tips in the future!

Adventures in Cooking: White Beans and Greens Chicken Skillet

2009-06-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I did something I never do--I cooked! I was so proud of myself that I had to document the experience. Now first off, I have to mention that I absolutely hate cooking. While I was in San Diego visiting my friend and fellow blogger, Mrs. Myers from Eat Move Write, I was given the five star treatment. She cooked every single night and I was absolutely blown away by not only the aesthetically pleasing presentation of her food, but also the taste.

The recipe I made yesterday was my favorite of all the meals she cooked. However, being the unprepared person that I am, I had to make a few adjustments to the recipe. First off, I only had one chicken breast so I cut up the chicken breast into little pieces and cooked that first. I had to scale down the recipe, so I added only half a cup of the chicken broth and half a can of the white beans. Since there wasn't a lot of chicken the white beans definitely made up for it. After letting that cook for 10 minutes as the recipe suggests, I still had a lot of broth in the pan so I added approximately a cup of pre-cooked brown rice. I let this simmer for a few more minutes. The brown rice did exactly what I wanted and soaked up the remaining broth! This amazed me because as I mentioned before, I'm SO NOT a cook. :)

I also made a side salad, like Mrs. Myers suggests, to pair with the meal. I used romaine lettuce, strawberries, mandarin oranges, and chopped up one of my leftover apricots and tossed that in there as well. Then I topped the salad with a few walnut pieces and Consorzio's Mango Fat-Free Dressing (10 cals per tbsp). The end result was a delicious and healthy meal that was not that time consuming or difficult to make! If anything, next time I might add some herbs to the chicken or mix a little soy sauce into the chicken and rice to add a bit more flavor but that's just personal preference. I also want to add that even with one chicken breast it made about 3 servings, meaning there was plenty leftover! I will definitely be making this recipe again. :)

White Beans and Greens Chicken Skillet:

Ingredients:

2 Whole Chicken Breasts, sliced into large bite-sized pieces
1 can Great Northern Beans, rinsed and drained
1.5 -2 cups Chicken Broth (I use low sodium)
3 cups fresh Spinach, rinsed and washed
1 small tomato, diced
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil

Preparation:

In a large skillet, heat oil and minced garlic. Brown chicken slices until almost cooked through. Add 1 cup of your chicken broth (reserve the rest) and the Great Northern Beans. Cover, bring to a boil and simmer for 10 minutes. Watch carefully and add water or more broth if the pan becomes dry. Add Spinach and the remaining chicken broth. Cover and simmer again until spinach is wilted, adding water if necessary. When spinach is wilted, add tomatoes and serve. Serves 4. Excellent with a garden or fruit salad on the side.

Source: Mrs. Myers @ Eat Move Write

Key Lime Pie

2009-06-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

For my work's summer pitch-in, I wanted to make the perfect summer dessert--one that was both fruity and light on the stomach. While perusing through one of my favorite recipe sites, MyRecipes.com, I came across a light version of key lime pie from Southern Living Magazine. I instantly knew I had to try it! While making desserts is certainly a passion of mine, finding a healthier version of my favorites is equally exciting. It just proves that you can cut a lot of the fat and sugar and still end up with a dessert that is just as delicious.

Key lime pie is a favorite of mine, but I honestly can't remember the first time I had it or even recall anyone in my family making it when I was a child. I remember ordering it once from Red Lobster and being sorely dissapointed. It was most likely the pre-frozen kind, no better than what you get in the freezer section at your local grocer. I made sure to garnish my pie with key lime wedges and rind so that everyone would know it was NOT a frozen pie :) I also used one of my decorating tips and a border technique I learned in cake class for the whipped topping.

This recipe is pretty simple and self-explanatory. It takes very few ingredients which is both a time and money saver. I will note that it calls for 1/2 cup of lime juice but is not specific. I assumed fresh, so I went out and bought a bag of key limes. Having never made a key lime pie, I had to return back to the store in order to buy a lime squeezer seeing as my fingers were not a very effective tool! Squeezing the juice out of the key limes does take quite a bit of time, so if you are looking to save even more time you might want to opt for a bottle of Nellie & Joe's Famous Lime Juice. Their website includes a list of retail locations.

Key Lime Pie:

Ingredients

1 (14-oz.) can fat-free sweetened condensed milk
3/4 cup egg substitute
1/2 cup fresh lime juice
2 teaspoons grated lime rind (about 2 limes)
1 (6-oz.) reduced-fat ready-made graham cracker crust
1 (8-oz.) container fat-free whipped topping, thawed
Garnishes: lime wedges, lime curls

Preparation

1. Process first 4 ingredients in a blender until smooth. Pour mixture into piecrust.

2. Bake at 350° for 10 to 12 minutes or until golden. Let pie cool completely, and top with whipped topping. Garnish, if desired.

Note: Nutritional analysis is per slice.

Yield

Makes 8 servings

Nutritional Information

Calories: 290 (12% from fat)
Fat: 3.7g (sat 0.5g,mono 0.0g,poly 0.0g)
Protein: 7.4g
Carbohydrate: 55.1g
Fiber: 0.1g
Cholesterol: 3mg
Iron: 0.4mg
Sodium: 185mg
Calcium: 143mg

Source: Barbara Petit, Columbia, South Carolina, Southern Living, JULY 2006

New Food Finds!

2009-06-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I dropped another insane amount of money on groceries! Every week I swear I'll spend less, but I think healthy eating ends up costing me a LOT. I guess that's better than the alternative! I bought the usual, a ton of fresh fruit (apples, bananas, plums, strawberries, nectarines, cherries, and apricots), canned fruit (pears and mandarin oranges), and frozen fruit (raspberries for smoothies). Ok, so call me crazy, but I'll seriously get through all of that fruit in a week.

I also picked up a couple new items to try! For my morning snack I had a nectarine, cherries, and I finally got to try Kashi's new Dark Chocolate Coconut Fruit & Grain bar. I'm not going to lie, it was super delicious! Dare I say, better than their Pumpkie Pie bar.

I also picked up a new flavor of Peanut Butter & Co.'s The Bee's Knees. My friend Char, the author of Health and Fitness with Char turned me onto this brand of PB last year, and I've never ate anything else since! I always get the White Chocolate Wonderful and it is seriously to die for! Last fall, I tried their Mighty Maple but was left disappointed. It may have been good had I never tried the white chocolate, but it didn't so much as compare. I still haven't had a chance to try the honey flavor but I cannot wait! I think I see a peanut butter and apple sandwich in my future...

All this good food and somehow I still managed to avoid a binge last night! It's weird because I rushed through my dinner and felt guilty and unsatisfied afterward. Normally that would cause me to binge, but I didn't. I kept thinking about OA and how they use a plan for meals. I already ate dinner, so that was my last planned meal for the day. I didn't need to eat anything else and I especially shouldn't binge because it wasn't physical hunger I was feeling, just emotional hunger. I wanted to punish and numb myself with more food for eating the dinner too quickly and not taking the time to enjoy what I was eating instead of just shoving food into my face.

The only thing that stopped me from binging is my commitment to working the program. It's funny because if I were on a "diet" I most definitely would have rebelled, but having a food plan while essentially the same thing, feels like something I could allow myself to follow. Anyway, just an after thought.

My First Fondant Cake and Randy's Birthday Cake!

2009-06-22T06:24:00.000-07:00

I'm finally getting around to getting some pictures up of last week's cake lesson. We made our first cake using fondant and I'll be the first to say--it's not as difficult as it looks! I really enjoyed working with fondant. If you like making cut-out cookies, then you might like it too. Essentially you are just rolling out the dough and cutting out shapes and strips to put onto the cake. Even the bow, which looks extremely difficult, was actually quite simple. I suppose the only downside is time because it is rather time consuming, but when I think about it--what cake doesn't take a lot of time?

As my friend Darcy quickly found out this weekend (when I came to help her make a cake for her boyfriend's birthday) cake decorating is 70% prep work and 30% actual decorating. Before I even came over, I had Darcy bake the cake and buy the ingredients to make the buttercream icing the night before to save on time. Making the cake on the day-of would be way too stressful and your cake would suffer as a result of having to rush through everything!

At the earliest, I recommend baking a cake three days prior to the event and icing and paper-towel smoothing it the night before. You could decorate the cake that night or put the finishing touches on the following morning as long as you make sure to give yourself plenty of time to play around with ideas and get creative!

I showed Darcy how to make homemade buttercream icing, how to ice the cake, paper-towel smooth it, and use the various decorating tips. She chose a cake out of one of the Wilton cake books my mom bought. She wanted something to tie in with her Hawaiian/Tropical theme and with the tropical looking flowers on the cake, I think it was the perfect choice. We had a few issues with the cake--it came out lopsided and at one point Darcy nearly dropped it, but luckily with my mom's cake leveler and Darcy's catlike reflexes, the cake managed to pull through in the end. And apparently it tasted good too because the entire thing mysteriously vanished by the end of the night!

Next week will be the end of Course 3 in cake class and I'll have pictures of my graduation cake--my first tiered cake made out of fondant and covered in fondant roses. Stay tuned!

Cherry Triffle with Amaretto!

2009-06-17T05:19:00.001-07:00

I've been meaning to post a picture of the Cherry Triffle with Amaretto I made for a cookout a few weeks ago when my friend Garrett was visiting from San Francisco. I found the recipe on MyRecipes.com, a new favorite website of mine, which carries recipes from various magazines. This one in particular happened to be from a 1999 issue of Cooking Light.

The dessert was a hit! I received several compliments on it and nobody seemed to notice it was a "light" recipe. The boys, myself, and Nicole nearly finished it off completely, but enough was left over for me to enjoy as part of my lunch the following day :) The recipe itself was a bit time consuming because you had to make the custard yourself. You definitely want to make this at least a day in advance because the custard seems runny at first and you'll need to chill it awhile for it to thicken up. Also, it's a little on the pricey side because it calls for Amaretto liquore. As long as you don't go for the uber-expensive Disaronno brand you should be able to buy a 5th for ~$10.

Me & G at the cookout.

Cherry Triffle with Amaretto:

Ingredients

1/2 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 large eggs
2 large egg yolks
1 1/2 cups 1% low-fat milk
3/4 cup low-fat sour cream
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons amaretto (almond-flavored liqueur)
15 ladyfingers
1 (20-ounce) can light cherry pie filling

Preparation

Combine first 4 ingredients in a bowl; stir well with a whisk. Set aside.

Heat milk over medium-high heat in a medium, heavy saucepan to 180° or until tiny bubbles form around edge (do not boil). Remove from heat. Gradually add hot milk to sugar mixture, stirring constantly with a whisk. Return milk mixture to pan, and cook over medium-low heat until thick (about 8 minutes), stirring constantly. Remove from heat. Place pan in a large ice-filled bowl for 25 minutes or until egg mixture comes to room temperature, stirring occasionally. Stir in sour cream and vanilla.

Combine orange juice and amaretto. Split the ladyfingers in half lengthwise. Arrange 10 ladyfinger halves, flat sides up, in a single layer in the bottom of a 2-quart soufflé dish. Brush 2 tablespoons orange juice mixture over ladyfingers in the dish. Spread about 1 cup pie filling evenly over ladyfingers. Spread about 1 cup custard mixture over pie filling. Brush 10 ladyfinger halves with 2 tablespoons orange juice mixture, and line dish with ladyfinger halves standing upright. Arrange 10 ladyfinger halves over custard mixture, and brush with the remaining orange juice mixture. Spread remaining pie filling over ladyfingers. Spread remaining custard mixture over pie filling. Cover and chill for at least 8 hours.

Yield

6 servings

Nutritional Information

Calories: 269 (29% from fat)
Fat: 8.6g (sat 3.9g,mono 2.8g,poly 0.7g)
Protein: 6.5g
Carbohydrate: 44.9g
Fiber: 0.0g
Cholesterol: 185mg
Iron: 0.8mg
Sodium: 177mg
Calcium: 130mg

Source: Cooking Light, JUNE 1999

VitaTop Muffin Parfait, Finally!

2009-06-16T04:42:00.000-07:00

So this morning, I made a DELISH VitaTop Muffin Parfait! One of my favorite Bloggers, Danica from Danica's Daily included this lovely concoction on this blog post. I'd been dying to try it ever since, and just happened to see VitaTop Muffins at Kroger's when I was doing my grocery shopping last night. I knew I had to have myself a parfait this morning!

Ok, so my picture, obviously not as beautiful as Miss Danica's (I gave all my margarita glasses away to Darcy) and I didn't have almond butter so I put a teeny tiny bit of natural peanut butter on top. But I have to tell you, it was absolutely YUMMY! Those darn little things are expensive, but quite good. About $5 at Kroger's and I think it only comes w/ 4 in a pack. I had the CranBran VitaTop, but they have a ton of different flavors on their website.

Trying to follow Danica's Recipe, I used:

1 CranBran Vitatop (ONLY 100 cals)
1 Oikos Organic Vanilla Greek Yogurt
1 tsp of White Chocolate Wonderful Peanut Butter
A handful of chopped strawberries and blueberries
A sprinkle of Bear Naked Granola

Yummy! (Just me being silly... Pay no attention to the bed head.)

In Unity There is Strength

2009-06-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

"It does not matter how deep you fall, what matters is how high you bounce back." -Unknown

Yesterday I mentioned how I went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting. After a lot of thought, I decided this would be the best way for me to go about tackling my issues surrounding food. I have to say, it was a great decision. A few years back I had considered going after a brief relapse, but I was able to sort through my issues in individual therapy.

For newcomers, it may feel a bit awkward, but I'm no stranger to group therapy. For two semesters in college, I was a part of an "eating disorders" group offered through the student health center. I found it extremely useful. By the 2nd semester, after abstaining from binging and purging for a considerable amount of time, I was able to leave the group early. This fact alone gives me a lot of hope, both in my ability to overcome my issues surrounding food and in the "group process".

As for the meeting, it went really well. It was comforting to know there were others out there feeling the same feelings, thinking the same thoughts, and acting out on the same actions. I no longer felt shame and guilt because I wasn't alone. The best part was, I could take away at least one thing from what each person had to say and relate it back to myself. Also, they did a great job of making me feel welcome even though it was only my first time there. As I was leaving, one woman hugged me! Normally, I'm all about being contained in my little "personal space" bubble, but it was actually very sweet. A few of them thanked me for coming and said they hoped to see me again. There was a definite sense of warmth and unity in the group, and some of that feeling rubbed off on me as I left. The drive home was great--I felt very uplifted.

So, I'm going to continue with this and see where it takes me. The best part is that when I move, I'll be able to find meetings no matter where I go.

Well, I gotta leave work soon and finish up packing. I'll be in San Diego for the next week taking 2 of my summer intensive courses for the Events Management program and also looking for housing! Wish me luck!

*Side note: After being frustrated last night w/ packing, I resisted the strong urge to binge! Instead I had a hot glass of tea. Also, I threw out all my diet books filled w/ hopes & false promises. GO me!

First step towards "recovery"

2009-06-04T05:31:00.000-07:00

Every day is a new opportunity. A new opportunity to right the wrongs, forgive yourself for the mistakes of yesterday, and start over again.

Sometimes if we play close attention "God" (as you've come to understand it) or Life is sending us signals. Last week at work, when I was searching through the candy dish up at the front desk, I noticed our administrative assistant reading a book. I asked him what he was reading, to which he held up the complete text of Alcoholics Anonymous also known as The Big Book and assured me it was something I wouldn't be interested in. Then when I asked him what happened to all the "good candy", he instructed me to go to his desk and open the bottom drawer where I found a huge bag of homemade chocolate chip cookies. Jackpot! If you recall, I referred to this binge in yesterday's blog.

Well, what I did not mention in yesterday's blog was that the binge didn't end there. When I got home, I binged on whatever I could get my hands on. I think when I tell others I am an emotional eater, anyone can relate because who doesn't want to eat a big bowl of ice cream when things are going wrong? But, I don't just eat the ice cream. I eat whatever's in sight or within hands-reach. I've eaten english muffins w/ buttercream icing on top and food out of my own garbage after attempting to get rid of it. How appealing does that sound?! I've eaten when I'm upset, bored, lonely, because I felt guilty, or simply to punish myself. When I say that I have an emotional eating problem, that's a simple way of putting it because it's sooooooooo much more than that.

That night, I ate several bowls of cereal until my stomach was so full that I wanted to puke, and then I did. Words cannot explain the loss of control one feels on top of the guilt, shame, and complete disguist. I felt so lost in that moment and in the moments leading up to it. I realize that this problem is no longer in my control at this point. I need to do something about it and quick because I can't keep doing this to myself. I've tried reading my books on intuitive eating, binge eating, and eating disorders. I've tried talking about it in therapy. I've tried asking others for advice and writing about it in my blog--but nothing I've tried has worked.

So, inspired by my co-worker, I went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting last night. Had I not seen the AA book in his hands that day, I don't know that I would have spent the entire next day on the OA website researching the program and looking up meetings. For the first time, I made a decision on my own without asking someone else what they think I should do (not even my therapist!) and for that I am proud. Sure, I could talk about this more with my therapist, but honestly he doesn't have experience in helping people with eating disorders. On top of that, I'm getting ready to move soon and OA is free, which will give me some time before I leave to pay off my therapy debt.

I look back at last week when my co-worker held up the AA book and said it was something that I wouldn't be interested in and think, "Wow, how wrong was he!" It's exactly what I needed. The meeting went great, but I will give up the details tomorrow in a new post. xoxo!

Is food the enemy?

2009-06-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

Last week started out fine, but somewhere in between the days I lost my marbles. Continual problems w/ a co-worker made me justify my right to a slice of chocolate cake. A piece of Dove dark chocolate and two homemade chocolate chip cookies later, I was drowning in a chocolaty pool of self-pity. The thing about using food for emotional comfort is that it never works--the problem doesn't go away and you actually feel worse about yourself in the end because not only is the problem still there, but you created a new one.

At that point, I began to beat myself up mentally and was feeling down in the dumps for the next couple of days. The funny thing is, I know this is what's holding me back from losing the weight and I also know that coping through food is partially why I put on as much weight as I did to begin with (about 15 lbs higher than my normal weight). So anyway, I took some time out to collect my thoughts and figure out how I wanted to tackle this issue. More on that in a bit...

Fast forward to the weekend. My friend called me to join her at the Y to work out. I hadn't worked out in several days, so I went begrudgingly. She left before I got there, but I decided to work out anyway since I had already made the effort to get over there. By the end of the workout, I felt great. I felt like I was able to "sweat out" a lot of the stress in my life. Looking back, I'm actually glad I took those few days away from the gym because honestly the guilt inside was killing me and I was in no mental state to work out. Also, I don't want to force myself to work out when I'm not in the mood. Then it begins to feel like an obligation and I don't want to attach any negative feelings towards exercise.

Yesterday when I went to the gym, I tried to take it easy because of my foot problem. I started on the StepMill, then walked on incline on the treadmill for half an hour. I could have been done after that, but I never did break a good sweat and my body was craving it. So I decided to hop on the Elliptical for 15 minutes and did my HIIT routine--2 minutes normal, 2 minutes at high intensity, high resistance. That brought my workout up to a full hour of cardio! GO ME! I actually didn't want to leave the gym and could have stayed a lot longer, but I had other things to do.

I immediately felt much better and all because my body was trying to tell me something--it likes to sweat. It made me think that maybe there is more to working out than just trying to lose weight. I'm starting to notice other benefits as well. Working out is a stress releaser. Also, my body craves working out. When I work out, not only do I feel good, but my body feels good too.

So anyway, I've had my highs and my lows, and I accept that there are going to be challenges in my life that may occasionally slow me down. The important thing is that I recognize and do something about it now, instead of letting it get the best of me. Later this week, I will post more about my little "solution" for how to go about addressing my food issues, so stay tuned!

Wilton Course 2 Completed!

2009-06-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

I completed Course 2 of my cake decorating classes last week! In Course 2 we learned how to make seven different kinds of flowers out of royal icing. For those who don't know, royal icing is a lot thicker consistency than the regular buttercream icing I used to ice and decorate my cakes in Course 1. I still iced my cake and did borders w/ the buttercream, but after making a batch of royal that turned out too thin, I quickly learned how important the consistency of the icing you use for flower making is. I had to re-do all my flowers from that class since my flowers turned out to be one globby mess.

The flowers we learned in this course included violets, daisies, pansies, primroses, victorian roses, daffodills, and crisanthamums.

We also learned a new border and how to create a basket weave around the cake. I especially like how the cake pans we bought w/ Course 2 were oval because it definitely added to the basket look.

Close-up view of the flowers.

The birds are 100% edible. The markers used to color in the eyes and beaks are even special edible markers. These were made out of color flow icing. Similar to royal icing, it's just powdered sugar and water, however I think you use a bit more meringue powder than what's required for the royal icing. Basically you create an outline for your pattern, in this case a bird, and fill it in with the already colored icing. We let them dry for a couple weeks before using them. It's totally safe though! These will never go bad unlike the buttercream which will go bad after 2 weeks due to the shortening that is used to make it.

Today after work I'll start Course 3! I'm excited, I finally get to learn how to work w/ fondant which I am a HUGE fan of! Can't wait!

GorJess Cakes

2009-05-24T21:25:00.000-07:00

I've had a very busy weekend, and only now am I getting around to post last Monday's cake pictures after a bout of insomnia. I was up until 5:30am last night and only got roughly 5 hours of sleep, yet now cannot sleep even though I was beyond exhaustion all day. I didn't think I'd have the energy to get my cake done and my flowers made for class on Tuesday. Luckily, my mom was sweet enough to bake the cake for me ahead of time and whip up the icing, which made things go by much more smoothly. Still, it wasn't until 5 hours later when I was finally done.

In course two, we have learned seven different kinds of flowers and let me tell you, they are no cake walk in the park (pun intended)! I don't think people realize the time & energy that go into regular cakes, which makes me think you've got to be crazy to do wedding cakes! The whole process actually frustrates me to the core, which is why I don't think this would ever be a career move for me. I literally am cursing the entire time I'm making flowers and icing my cake.

I think my mom was right today when she said that I take after her perfectionist attitude, but even she is quick to point out I am an even worse perfectionist than she is! The funny thing is, once it is said and done, all the hard work, sweat, tears, and cursing is worth it because you've got a GorJess cake at the end. But don't take it from me, I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

I made this cake for my friend Megan's going away party and from the looks of it I'd say she really liked it! I used a stencil for the writing since I haven't mastered writing freehand on cakes yet. It looks much nicer than my graduation cake where I wrote best wishes freehand. I also chose to do yellow roses this time around. I cheated and used my mom's violets that she made for class because they looked much nicer than the drop flowers we had leftover from our Mother's Day Cake. I also used a new border technique around the bottom that we learned in Course 2 called rosettes. It's quickly become a new favorite!

Well, I hope everyone is having a relaxing Memorial Day weekend! Tuesday's class will bring the finale of Course 2. I'm inviting my friends over Wednesday to share my Course 2 "graduation cake" with, so pictures of that are soon to come!

Give Up, Give In?

2009-05-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

The hardest part of trying to get healthy is not the exercise, but the food. I am powerless to sweets, an admitted Chocoholic, a beater and spatula licker, and an emotional eater.

Most recently, I have had several episodes where I get this ache that starts out as hunger, but turns into something that I cannot seem to satisfy. When that happens, I feel completely out of control, which makes my eating out of control. Sitting with the "empty" feeling is also difficult for me, so instead I mostly just try to get rid of it by eating--however only massive amounts of food tends to work, if you can call that "working". It's really not working for me, but I'm not sure what to do.

The worst thing about it is that it makes you feel very alone. Like, what's wrong w/ me? Why can't I just eat normal like everyone else? But truthfully I know I'm not alone and a lot of people have trouble w/ emotional eating. I haven't been able to figure out where this insatiable appetite comes from, or what to do about it. I think the key is distraction or finding out what it is that's actually bothering me. I think there will be lots of trial and error involved!

My biggest concern is I don't want my negative feelings about how I've been eating lately to effect my motivation to work out. Many times it feels pointless, but I guess I have to remember that this is a process, and I'm going to continue to fail until I figure out what works for me.

“Like success, failure is many things to many people. With Positive Mental Attitude, failure is a learning experience, a rung on the ladder, a plateau at which to get your thoughts in order and prepare to try again.” -W. Clement Stone

So, on that note I am sticking w/ my planned workout tonight at the gym even though I feel like complete crap about myself. I'm going to try to work on turning those negative thoughts around because I have a great weekend ahead of me! I'm working a wedding this Saturday and then heading with the girls to Indy for a night out on the town!

Last night I did Workout 2 of the 30 Day Shred. It started out fine, but towards the end it got much harder! I do have to say, what I like about Jillian's workouts are that they incorporate everything from cardio to strength to abs. It's an all around workout that targets every zone. Also, to her critics, I find her tough love attitude refreshing. I don't need a cheerleader, I need someone to kick my ass in the gym! Sure, at the time I might hate you for it, but I am more likely to want to punch the bubbly cheerleader in the face rather than the Army Sergent. But that's just part of what works for me.

This weekend will be busy, so everyone take care and have an awesome three day weekend! I'll have some more pictures of cakes to post soon!

Mind Over Matter

2009-05-15T05:51:00.000-07:00

"You have powers you never dreamed of. You can do things you never thought you could do. There are no limitations in what you can do except the limitations of your own mind." - Darwin P. Kingsley

This is so true. When I read this quote, I immediately thought about a friend and how her thoughts limit her. When she applied to a nursing program and the school counselor told her it was a competitive program and that she would have to take an entrance exam, she began to rethink her decision because she felt that she wasn't smart enough for the program. When she discovered that her boyfriend lied to her repeatedly and she wanted to end things, she questioned whether or not she should because she thought she could not support herself and their child on her own. She cannot and will not ever move forward if her thoughts continue to act as a handicap to her true wants and desires. If only she believed that she was smart enough to make her career goals happen, or resourceful enough to make ends meet on her own, or that she was even worth the extra effort to make her happiness her #1 priority, then surely she could achieve all that she wants to achieve.

But hey, we are all guilty of this behavior. Only a couple years ago, I was in an unhealthy relationship that I was too afraid to get out of. Fear blinds us to the realities of what we're truly capable of. While I believed that I deserved better and that ultimately this person was not at all what I was looking for in terms of a partner, my fear held me back. When I finally got out of the relationship, I finally realized I could be on my own and I didn't need someone else, but I never would have believed that until it actually happened.

I guess my point is that sometimes we have to have faith that things will work out. Sometimes bad things in life happen in order to teach us a lesson, but we have to brush ourselves off and try again until we find something that works. Enjoy this life--it's the only one you have. Don't have any regrets. Follow your dreams and take chances. Believe in yourself and realize that you are the creator of your destiny. Thoughts manifest into actions and actions produce results! Don't wait for an opportunity to come along, create your own opportunities and ACT today! Life is too short to wait for tomorrow...

Mother's Day Cake

2009-05-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

I just successfully uploaded my first cell phone picture via text message! How cool is that? Now if my Blackberry only took better photos. BTW, this is a picture of the Mother's Day cake my mom baked and I helped decorate. She placed all the drop flowers onto the cake, but I helped by making the leaves on the flowers and the border around the top and bottom of the cake. It was delicious!

Anyway, I hope you all are having a fantastic Mother's Day! Did I mention, my mom is the bestest?

Cakes 'n Things

2009-05-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

The thought of a mozzarella cheese stick as a snack doesn't sound appetizing to me at all. But heat that same cheese stick in the microwave at 50% power for 30 seconds (just enough to get it gooey but not melted into a pile of goop)--heaven. I realize I need to cut back on--not eliminate--carbs if I want to see some results. I don't want to overthink things but just take a more balanced approach to how I eat.

On the completely different (and somewhat hypocritical) note, here's some pictures of sinfully delicious cakes I decorated from my cake decorating class! I know, my weight loss goals don't exactly go hand-in-hand with my hobby for cake decorating. I don't want to feel like even though I am trying to lose weight that I'll have to give up cake decorating all together. Right now, I'm just seeing how things go. If I concentrate on the decorating part and how much I enjoy making cakes for friends and family, then hopefully I will be able to keep the part of me that invariably wants to self-sabotage under control.

So without further adieu, here are my cakes from Course 1.

Lesson 2: Cake using "star" tip

Lesson 3: Clown Cake

Lesson 4: Rose Cake

Weekend Update

2009-05-09T13:59:00.000-07:00

I finally updated my book and music info. I try to keep things up to date, but I find that I have less and less time to dedicate to a blog. I would love to write a real blog that people would actually come to read, but I'm not sure I have any wisdom of interest to impart onto the world. Really I am just someone who is living life day to day, trying to figure herself out and find the key to true happiness.

Unfortunately my negativity really holds me back. I don't know what it is about this week, but I've felt completely off kilter both mentally and physically. Last week I did so well with my eating and working out. This week I ended up binging on icing leftover from my cake decorating class. I HIGHLY do not recommend this! I never knew what a sugar crash felt like until this week. It's like the worst hangover (x) a million! The funny thing is, it wasn't even one of those pre-meditated binges. It was like, "Hey-o I've got some icing leftover. I could put a little on this animal cracker and it wouldn't kill me..." Then, complete loss of control. It wasn't even a guilt-induced binge. Literally it sprang out of no where.

Fortunately I kept up on my workouts. It's just really discouraging because I feel like no matter how much I work out, as long as I'm struggling w/ my food issues, working out is not going to make any difference. I cannot stress enough how much I just want to drop 10 lbs, especially before I move to San Diego. It would help my self-confidence so much. I want to start dating and be in the same "playing field" as the caliber of men I find attractive. You'd be surprised how many guys on Match.com want to find a girl that is "active". That is code for: fatties need not apply. So if anyone has any ideas on how to get there, please enlighten me!

Also, if you want to critique my workout routine that'd be great!

Monday: 30 mins cardio, 30 mins strength training (upper body)

Thursday: 55 mins cardio (15 walking on incline, 20 elliptical, 20 stair climber)

Friday: 30 mins Shred video

Sat: 15 mins intense cardio (ellptical), 25 mins strength training (lower body)

I have a huge gap on Tues and Weds because I've got my cake decorating class on Tues nights, and therapy on Weds nights.

San Diego Here I Come!

2009-05-07T05:27:00.001-07:00

I just registered for my Summer Intensive classes at the University of San Diego! Last night I booked my plane tix. Also, I told my boss yesterday that I would be leaving the company at the end of July to go back to school. All of this goes to prove that this is really becoming REAL. It's official, I am actually going to do this.

On a side note, this morning I was reading Become Your Own Matchmaker by Patti Stanger, the star of the hit reality show The Millionaire Matchmaker. In the chapter titled, "First Days of Infatuation" she discusses the danger signs to look out for during the first 90 days of dating. One in particular really hit home for me because it perfectly describes the last guy I was seeing.

"If your main form of communication when you're not together is texting, it's a sign of immaturity, and he might not be ready for an adult relationship. Real men use the phone. You may think texting is a quicker, more efficient way to communicate, but in reality, it takes less time to dial and number and say a few words than it does to type a message, no matter how good you are with your thumbs. The man who texts doesn't want to actually speak to you--he's like the kid who just wants to poke you to let you know he's there."

When I would complain to my therapist about this guy, he said the same thing--that he was immature. He couldn't be any more right! I'm just glad I've cut off communication. I feel more sane and able to concentrait on what really matters--investing in myself and my future. That's all!

Ultra Low-Fat Gourmet Donuts

2009-05-04T06:47:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite blogger's, PriorFatGirl, is hosting a contest to win a sample of the Holey Donuts! special arrangement. These donuts are not fried and only contain as little as 3-4 grams of fat compared to the 15-20 grams of fat in a regular donut. Also they are only 150-250 calories! I am DYING to try some!

Click here to visit PriorFatGirl's blog and enter to win!

Difficult Decisions

2009-05-01T05:20:00.000-07:00

"In hindsight, what I needed to do was forgive myself for disappointing my parents, and let go of the guilt. I needed to just accept that they would be unhappy for awhile, and that once I did well in my career, they would come around. I just needed to trust that I made the right decision for myself, and that all would be good. Years later, I finally learned that lesson." --Stephanie Qualio, Back In Skinny Jeans

I love reading Stephanie's blog because it always manages to touch on a subject that I can relate back to my life. In ways, it is strange how this person and myself are so similar but perhaps we are all more similar than we realize. Maybe it is when we take a chance to open ourselves up to the world and admit to our vulnerabilities, that we realize we all are more similar than we are different. We all have one thing in common, and that is life. We're not sure why we're here, or what happens after life, but we try out best to live our lives well and learn from our mistakes along the way. We are all here to help each other along the way and ultimately our survival depends on one another.

So, when I read stuff like this, I don't take it with a grain of salt. I am a constant learner. While I tend to focus on my problems a lot (and I do), it's not actually about focusing on the negative for me. It's really just more of a curiosity. I am always trying to understand things and why things are the way they are. Sometimes I find an answer, and sometimes there is not a definite answer or the one I was hoping to find. Either way, I constantly am seeking enlightenment as a person. I am always trying to grow, learn, evolve. I think for me that will always be a theme in my life.

This quote is nice at a time like now. I've got the decision to make about moving to San Diego to pursue my continuing education without a lot of support from my parents. I know my mom doesn't want me to go, but she says she can't stop me (after all, her parents let her go to Mexico and Peru). My dad on the other hand is less passive. He's trying to convince me to go to Chicago where I'll be closer to home and is attempting to bribe me by offering to pay for my housing and school. He's also got my aunt trying to convince me to go to school in Florida where the other half of my family lives because at least that's closer than Cali.

My therapist assures me this is just their way of showing that they really love and care about me. I know this is true, but it's still a little frustrating. I don't like that my dad can't trust me to make the best decision for myself. Also, he undermines my ability to chose a good program and acts like he knows more about it than me when I am the one who's spoken to professionals in the field. I don't think he'll ever take me seriously as an adult unless I just do what I need to do and prove to him that I don't need his help financially. He tells me straight out that I will fail. The only way to prove him wrong is just that, PROVE him wrong.

Why Cali? I'm not really sure. I was having second thoughts about Chicago because it's too cold there. Also, I didn't feel like the program was that great. Plus, the idea of investing 40K and going into debt just did not settle well w/ me. Then while in San Francisco, I was doing some research and stumbled upon the USD program. I wasn't looking for schools in Cali, it just sort of happened. I was looking up an industry professional and discovered she did a certificate program before her Masters. I emailed her and a few weeks later we spoke over the phone. She assured me that a certificate program was the way to go.

So, again: why Cali? Well, for starters, nice weather, I always wanted to live in Cali, I've got a couple of friends in SD (and more throughout the state), and now I have a mentor there. But overall, it's just a gut feeling. I have no idea what the future will hold, but like Steph says I just need to trust that I am making the right decision for myself. After that, everything else will just have to fall into place...

Quotes

2009-04-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

Quotes help me live my life. Lyrics from songs, quotes from books, magazines, blog entries, or even email conversations with friends help set the foundation of who I am and where I want to be. I don't take anything anyone says with a grain of salt, and I myself am very choosy and intentional with my own words. This last week has been no exception. In an effort to remember the quotes and the lessons I am learning, I thought I'd blog about some of them here.

Find thoughts that feel good, because it is inevitable that you are going to always be moving toward something. So why not be moving toward something that is pleasing? You can't cease to vibrate, and Law of Attraction will not stop responding to the vibration that you are offering. So, expansion is inevitable. You provide it, whether you know you do, or not. The only question is, what is the standard of joy that you are demanding for yourself? From your Nonphysical perspective, it's a high, high standard.

This is a quote Jazz sent me last week. What is the standard of joy I am demanding for myself? Well, before last week, not a high standard. At least not relationship-wise. I was settling for any kind of relationship I could have with a person I had feelings for even though it wasn't my preference. I wanted to date, but he wanted to be friends that acted like we were dating. I wasn't moving towards something at all and instead I actually felt very stuck. I didn't know if he would change his mind after spending more time with me and getting to know me, or if things would stay the same. The whole thing was making me an emotional roller coaster and I was beginning to second-guess my plans for San Diego.

Luckily, I finally got the chance last week to address the situation in person and basically got what I needed out of the night/conversation. I needed to know that there was no chance. Also, I needed to establish some boundaries and cut off communication for my own good. Now I feel like I am moving in a positive direction again. I'm able to concentrate again on the things I can control, such as my career goals, how I'm going to achieve them, and what I am willing to do to get there.

But how did I get there? How was I able to embrace an attitude of acceptance? My friend Emma sent me an email last week of a testimonial she had written for her church two days later. Her timing was impeccable! Some of the things she said really hit home especially given what I was dealing with.

Jerry has been going to church all his life (and has lead me to God, which is a whole other story) but I knew that he would have some answers. He said that the reasons [tragedies happen] are beyond us and our understanding. They are for God to know, and maybe one day we will see the purpose in it or maybe we will never know. He told me that God has a plan for all of us and that we need to accept those things which we can't always find reason for, but to just have faith that they do have purpose and meaning.

This quote had a very humbling effect on me. It was as though for once in my life I was just given permission to accept. Maybe that sounds silly, but for me that is nearly impossible. I want to know the reasons behind everything. I couldn't understand why God would have me meet the "perfect guy" and yet keep me from being with him because of circumstances. To me it seemed like a very cruel joke.

This quote also made me think. Maybe there is a good reason behind why things cannot work out. Maybe God doesn't want to give me a reason to stay behind in Bloomington; maybe I truly am meant to go to San Diego.

Many, many other small things have added up to signal to me that this was the right decision. Bottom line: I wasn't getting the things I needed out of the "relationship" and if things were meant to work out presently, then they would have. I can't control the situation but I can control what I do for myself, and right now the best thing for me is to move on with my life and my plans.

I guess I'll end with another useful quote I found to help me accept my situation. Even though I wasn't having sex, it was still a "no strings attached" type relationship. Whether or not this person was genuinely a good person, I still felt at times like I was being taken advantage of. That is just as much my fault as his because I stuck around.

Men love having sex with no strings or commitment attached. It's even better if it's someone they know and trust not to sleep around. You should end it and move on. Save your love for someone who will appreciate and love you all the more for it.

Basically, I'm tired of giving up my love for free.

Hope, Future, Expectations

2009-04-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

A favorite blog of mine approaches a subject that I often struggle with. Using some of her words, the blog forces me to ask:

Why do we keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping to produce different results or hoping that the people we're involved with will somehow get on the bandwagon and change to what we need?

Hope is strong. We all have hope about one thing or another. But hope is also an illusion that can leave you feeling gravely disappointed if you don't get what you want in the end.

Why do I keep trying? Because the thing that I want is so big, and the perceived payoff is so large, that I would do anything to get it. I see myself being 100% satisfied if I only got what I wanted. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I wouldn't need anything else. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be able to fulfill my dreams for the kind of future I want. If this person gave me the love that I wanted, I would be happier than I've ever been. If this person gave me the loved that I wanted, I would finally feel complete.

Or maybe it is fear that there is nothing better out there. Fear that this is the best that I can get, so I had better cling on because there couldn't possibly be someone out there who has all the qualities I want and actually wants to be with me.

For me, I have to have challenges. Being single for an entire year was one of those challenges. I can mark that goal off my list and feel proud that I did it. Being single for a year made me realize that I don't need to be in a relationship and that I can exist on my own, and I am so thankful for having the opportunity to grow and realize that about myself. Ultimately, however, I realize right now that I want to be in a relationship, which is entirely different.

Being single has hardly been a fun thing for me here in Bloomington. I didn't get a chance to date around a lot, seeing as there are not many singles in my age bracket. Most of the male population here are either undergrad students, married, or in serious relationships already. Of the handful of men I have met, none have met my criteria and those who have are unavailable.

My next challenge will be moving to San Diego and being in a literal sense completely on my own. Going somewhere new where I know all of 2 people is intimidating and will definitely challenge me in new ways I hope to grow and learn from. Overall, though, I hope I have the chance to date and actually have fun with it. I have no idea what it's like to be single and date around in a mature and responsible way, or better yet be single and have single friends.

So what's the solution to the question? Well, I guess you have to let go of hope at some point if what you're doing isn't yielding the results you wanted. You have to try something different. Maybe I won't get the guy I wanted, but that doesn't mean I should lose hope complelely, it just means I should let go of him. Maybe I'll meet someone like him or better. Maybe I have a different destiny.

Reader's Guide Question #3

2009-03-27T05:46:00.000-07:00

Would you characterize yourself as a Bozo on the Bus? Why do you think we hide our vulnerabilities and self-doubts from one another? Why do we try to keep the secret of our true selves hidden, when in reality, that secret is what Rumi calls the Open Secret? And how does hiding out from one another hinder us from turning a difficult time into a Phoenix Process?

Response:

For some, it's hard to admit our vulnerabilities and self-doubts. We assume people are going to judge us or treat us differently. We all have a dark and a light. Dark sides of ourselves are the ones that we care not to share with others. It takes a lot of courage to stand up in the face of rejection. You may have to face truths that you, in fact, don't want to face at all. It's easier to live in denial. It's easier to live up to the expectations of others and make others happy before we make ourselves happy. We naturally gravitate to what's easy and this is why, I believe, we keep our true selves hidden. We don't want to be vulnerable and risk rejection or face the truth. It's safer and easier when we don't take risks.

But if you don't take risks, things will never change. You'll remain stuck wherever you are in your life that is making you unhappy. There is always an opportunity to grow and learn from a bad situation. I find that speaking with others about the struggles I am dealing with, and vice-versa, just helps me out in the end. I get inspiration and encouragement from my friends and therapist and hopefully I give it back as well. It's the little push I need to keep plowing forward.

In the end, we're all in this together. People are here to help one another, and I'm finding out more and more this is true.

Reader's Guide Question #2

2009-03-26T07:09:00.001-07:00

We all know people who say their cancer or divorce or bankruptcy was the greatest gift of a lifetime—that until the body or the heart or the bank was broken, they didn’t know who they were, what they felt, or what they wanted. It took a Phoenix Process to teach them and wake them up. We also know people who did not turn their misfortune into insight. Instead they became more bitter, more reactive, more cynical. What do you think is the difference between these two kinds of people?

Response:

The difference is how they choose to look at things. First and foremost, it is a choice, and while the grieving stage is natural and in fact healthy, you can't stay in that stage forever. Refusing to move on is like denying yourself happiness. These people probably feel a tremendous amount of guilt and believe that they don't deserve to be happy. That's not a good way to look at things because ultimately your cheating yourself in the end.

We all deserve happiness, no matter what life has thrown our way. It's the way we work through our problems and move forward that makes us stronger. We can all learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others, but we shouldn't let our mistakes define us.

Reader's Guide Question #1

2009-03-25T05:26:00.000-07:00

Broken Open begins with this quote from Anaïs Nin:

“And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

Have there been times in your life when you felt the pain of your own resistance to change? What did you do? Did your longing for blossoming become stronger than your fear of change? Are you in one of those periods now? If so, what are the risks of making a change, and what are the risks of staying the same?

Response:

Yes, I have felt this before a few times. Most recently, I was in a year and a half relationship that nearly killed me. Well, at least it did spiritually. I didn't want to be alone because I was scared of being alone. Instead, I chose to be with someone who treated me horribly. For that entire time, I lost track of my personal goals. It seemed like to be with this person, I had to focus my time and energy on making him into the person I wanted him to be, rather than on focusing on my wants and my dreams. All that mattered at the time was that I was with someone and not alone.

Eventually, I got sick of it. I hated the constant fighting and the person I was turning into. I was at my very worst and when I looked into the mirror I barely recognized myself. My longing to have my friends back and my freedom overshadowed the fear of being alone. I no longer cared if I was alone because I was tired of being treated so badly. I no longer loved the person I was with and, in fact, I was disgusted by him. As soon as I had the opportunity to get out, I did.

I am also going through a period of that right now. I made two goals for the new year--one to pursue my education so that I can work in my chosen career, and two to leave Bloomington. I have always, since I was in high school, wanted to live somewhere new. I almost moved after I graduated from college but ending a long term relationship and fear held me back. I don't regret those decisions because I'm certain I was not ready for the challenges ahead of me at that point in time.

However, now I feel I am in a good place. I have been single and living on my own for a year now. I've taken many steps here and there to prove to myself that I am self-sufficient and independent. I've found a school that sounds like it's got a great program and is affordable without me having to pay off years and years of school loans. Also, the location is to die for. Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to live in California.

Everything seems to be falling in place, and even though I am scared to start over somewhere new where I only know 2 people, the alternative is much more scary!

The risks of staying in Bloomington:
* Stay unhappy at my current job.
* Never get the experience and education I need to pursue a career in event planning.
* Never fulfill my true potential.
* Never become 100% financially independent because my parents will always bail me out.
* Maintain unhealthy relationship w/ my father who attempts to control me through money.
* Never meeting the man of my dreams because in my heart of hearts, I don't think he's in Bloomington.

The risks of moving to San Diego:
* Financially, it's more expensive. I might end up drying up my savings.
* Feeling lonely because I won't know anyone (except for 2 people).
* The fear that I won't be able to make any new friends.
* Missing home, my family, and friends.

Daylight Savings Time

2009-03-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

Warmer weather
Longer days
Makes me want to go out and play
But there's no one with to play
And I become uneasy

Sitting at home
Layering up in sweaters
Just to keep warm
Those dreary golden days
Were like a gift to me and my depression

But now what am I to do?
Be happy, be gay
When there's no one with to play?
I liked it better the other way

It's Been Awhile

2009-03-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this thing in quite awhile. I have so many things to write about that my head is spinning. I don't even know where to begin?

Well, I suppose I'll start with my trip to California. It was wonderful and difficult all at the same time. My insecurities with myself make vacations so difficult for me. Most of the vacations I've taken in my life, I have felt so fat and disgusting that I never felt like I deserved to be there. This is true of high school vacations when I was overweight and post high school (Chicago, Peru) when I was dealing with trying to get over my bulimic tendencies. Luckily that wasn't an issue this go-round, but regardless I was feeling extremely self-conscious. Having to go out and dance, or getting gussied up in a dress and heals for a wedding definitely put me outside of my comfort zone.

I've discussed this in therapy last week and thought about it a lot more, and have finally been able to admit to myself that emotional eating has come back into my life. For the most part I think I do alright with food, but my therapist's questions got me thinking about when and why I use food. I noticed that when I get upset, my hunger goes on a rampage. And not physical hunger, but emotional hunger. I definitely noticed that this week. After an upsetting phone call, I went straight for the ice cream. Or when I'm bored or lonely, thoughts immediately go toward food. I don't think all this extra weight I'm carrying is a coincidence.

At first, I thought maybe it was just weight I gained quickly after the break-up because I was barely eating before. I think that's true, but now there is more to it. I was going out to the bars a lot, drinking lots of beer and eating bar-type food like pizza, etc. I barely go out anymore these days and I've cut back on drinking quite a bit. I became more pre-occupied with food because I wasn't loving my body, but instead of "being good" I subconsciously rebeled. Hopefully by being aware of this and talking about it with my therapist, I can figure out what my triggers are and work through some of the problems I'm having that drive me towards food. I really thought that I had moved past my food issues a long time ago, and re-visiting them does not make me happy, but I suppose this may be an issue I struggle with my whole life if I don't keep on top of it.

While I still felt self-conscious, it was less of an issue in San Francisco. I think I was riding high on my feelings of self-sufficiency and independence at my ability to navigate the city on my own. Plus, overall the city has more of a laidback feel. People from all different backgrounds and places all coming together. It's a more alternative lifestyle compared to the clean-cut San Diegoans. I love that it didn't matter what I wore because no matter what I felt as though I would fit in. Well, except for my Coach purse which I did not wear because I was scared of it either getting stolen or homeless people coming up to me because they'd think I was rich. Call me overly paranoid, but I didn't need the extra attention.

Santa Cruz was beautiful too. It was a little college town that just happens to be next to the ocean. They've got a street like Kirkwood, but much larger, filled with shoppes galore that sell clothing, home decor, knicknacks, books, shoes, and the like. It's somewhere I definitely would have liked to spend my undergrad days. Often times I am regrettful that I went to IU because I never felt like I got the true college experience, but then again I would never take back certain experiences and people I've met during my time in Bloomington. I think (and hope this is true) that no matter where you go, you will meet people that can enrich your lives. That is certainly true of Bloomington, and I hope it will be true when I finally move on to somewhere new.

I still want to talk about my plans for the future, post some pictures of the throw blanket I made for Jasmine & Ryan, and also discuss the passing of my good friend Keith, but I'm afraid I've made this entry too long and lost my focus. So I'll wrap this up and try to update again later this week.

Raw Kombucha

2009-02-25T07:06:00.000-08:00

I have had an upset stomach on and off for about 2 weeks now. I went to the doctor and he gave me some anti-acid pills. I was doing alright for a few days until I went to the winery with my mom. I guess going on an empty stomach was not the best idea! Also, wine is one of those things that does upset the stomach. Anyway, I've been reading up on what to eat/what not to eat to help clear the symptoms. About everywhere I looked they suggested drinking ginger tea or ginger ale. I remembered this drink my friend got from Bloomingfoods that was some weird hippie drink made with real ginger. It had a very potent smell, but I remember the taste being alright. I decided to head down there yesterday and grab a bottle. It is actually quite delicious, and to boot it's low calorie/low sugar and it claims to have many health benefits so I thought I'd mention it on here!

The drink is called Organic Raw Kombucha. I chose the Gingerade flavor! Here's the description from their website:

"Kombucha is alternately known as a Chinese tea, a plant, or a mushroom. But it's not really any of these. It's a living culture of beneficial microorganisms, and in Kombucha's case, the whole is infinitely greater than the sum of its parts! Our Kombucha is delicately cultured - some liken it to fermentation - for 30 days. During this period, essential nutrients form like active enzymes, viable probiotics, amino acids, antioxidants and polyphenols. All of these combine to create an elixir that immediately works with the body to restore balance and vitality. Kombucha has been used for hundreds of years throughout the world as a daily health tonic. The culture resembles a light brown, tough, gelatinous disk and because it's a living, growing entity, it can regenerate and create new cultures with every batch. In fact, GT's Kombucha and Synergy are made from Kombucha cultures that are descendants of the original culture GT grew to create his first bottles."

Kombucha Supports:
* Digestion
* Metabolism
* Immune System
* Appetite Control
* Weight Control
* Liver Function
* Body Alkalinity
* Anti-Aging
* Cell Integrity
* Healthy Skin & Hair

And the best part? 1 bottle (16 oz.) is only 60 calories, 14g of carbs, and 4 grams of sugar. For one serving size (there's 2 per bottle), cut that in half.

Ingredients? 100% G.T.'s organic raw kombucha, fresh pressed ginger juice, and 100% pure love!

Slow down, Tiger!

2009-02-19T07:05:00.000-08:00

Just as I was thinking "I don't have time to update this thing," I ran across this:

Is that a sign or what? I guess my problem isn't lack of time, but for better words lack of being able to say no. I need more time for myself. I need time to work on the things that really matter to me. I NEED to finish my grad school application, yet social obligations and amazing opportunities (like a 100% all-paid-for trip to Las Vegas) continue to get in the way of accomplishing my goals. Granted, my friends and family are of the utmost importance to me. I would way rather be spending time with them then writing a paper, researching, or doing whatever it is that I need to get done, but it's beginning to interfere with my goals and stressing me out at the same time.

My social life is very important to me, so it makes sense it would be difficult to turn down social invitations. Part of the reason I want to become an event planner is because I love social events. But it's taking it's toll on me, physically and mentally. Well anyway, this is just a rant and a reminder to myself to slow down and make time for myself.

My "Crochetions"

2009-01-28T12:31:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd finally get around to posting pictures of the crochet projects I made as gifts this past Christmas. I made dish towels and homemade soap for most of the gift baskets. I also made two baby bibs for Stephanie's son Braydon. Unfortunately, however, I don't have any pictures of the biggest project I worked on which was a crocheted purse for Darcy. Maybe I can have her pose with it next time I see her!

Anyway, just realize I am kind of an amateur at this, but I am gradually getting better and better. I've got some new projects on the horizon so stayed posted for that. Enjoy!

Scarf I made Garrett.

Gift basket for my mom.

Gift Basket for Jackie.

Gift basket for Emma.

Gift basket for Stephanie.

Creating Boundaries

2009-01-11T17:03:00.000-08:00

Without borders a once clean river becomes a swamp.
The mind without parameters becomes insanity.
A life without discipline is a life wasted.

As part of the emotional work I am doing this year, I am working on establishing boundaries for myself. I realize now more than ever how important boundaries are. This is one of my biggest if not the biggest issue I've had to deal with in my life. I have lost friends, boyfriends, and pieces of my self-worth all because of my inability to create boundaries for myself. As my therapist said, boundaries exist and are created to establish physical and emotional safety. I desire that kind of security now more than anything.

Understanding our limitations is what gives us freedom.
Freedom from temptations.
Freedom from having to bow to other people's wishes.
Freedom from dead ends.

Borders for when I go out drinking:
If I'm not going out with a girlfriend, drive myself to and from the bar.
Limit myself to 2 drinks.
Leave before the bar closes and leave alone.
Don't smoke cigarettes just because I'm drinking.

Borders for dating:
Do not accept last minute dates (i.e. he regularly calls to plan dates on the night of). Dates must be planned out beforehand.
He has to do most of the asking and planning for at least the first few dates.
He has to offer to pay on the first few dates (but that doesn't always mean I accept).
Don't sleep with him until we are exclusive, committed, possibly love each other and with a strong potential for the long term.
Never go back to my place or his place on the first few dates.

My New Years Resolutions

2009-01-08T18:41:00.000-08:00

It never occurred to me that I should be making New Years Resolutions. In fact, I have always thought that they were kind of silly. Broken promises that people make only to end up being disappointed in the end. Why bother to put myself through that? Plus, I've always felt that it was silly to start a diet or create weight loss goals for the New Year. It seems like your health should be something you are committed to all the time, not just because it's a new year.

I found it interesting when people asked me what my New Years Resolution is. I told them I didn't have one, but in fact that wasn't true at all. I have many aspirations for the New Year, but I just never bothered to explore those deeply or write them down on paper so I could keep track of them. The more I think about it, maybe it's not silly. Maybe seeing my goals down on paper is just what I need in order to get the job done. My New Years Resolutions are simply the goals that I wish to accomplish and there is nothing wrong with that.

So, here goes. In no particular order.

My 2009 New Years Resolutions:

1. Learn to Love Myself. I want to feel happy and confident in my own skin. I want turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts.

Put into action: Stop the negative self-talk. Find things I like about myself as opposed to things I dislike about myself. Stop being so critical. Have compassion for myself.

2. Take Care of Myself. I need to put my health as a priority. That means feeding myself healthy meals and exercising my body. Health is the main goal, but also I want to look and feel good. That means getting myself to a weight that I feel happy with.

Put into action: Exercise at least 4 times a week, but preferably 5. Include a mix of cardio, strength training, and pilates. I would like to lose at least 10 pounds which would bring me down to 125 lbs.

3. Invest Towards My Future. I have been talking a lot about going back into school in the fall for my Masters degree, however one of my biggest goals for the New Year is to leave Bloomington. I am putting it in writing here and now, when my lease goes up in July whether or not I get into grad school, I will be leaving Bloomington. But ultimately my goal is to go to grad school and leave Bloomington so hopefully I can kill two birds with one stone :)

Put into action: I've taken some of the first steps into applying, but I still need to write my personal statement and apply to at least one other school in case my first choice falls through. Also I need to look into financial aid and if necessary study for the GRE.

4. Create Boundaries to Protect Myself. I need to create boundaries for myself in the dating world. Boundaries exist to create physical and emotional safety, which is something I have been lacking. Now that I have many goals, I might take a break from the dating world for the meanwhile, but I still need to practice setting boundaries for when the time comes.

Put into action: Write down a list of my rules (which will be featured in a soon-to-come blog). Think about why I chose the rules I did and what those rules are protecting me from. Practice, practice, practice those rules. Create rules that align with my values and always remember to value myself first before anyone.

5. Be More Useful With My Time. I would like to waste less time on things that are unimportant (i.e. Facebook, Myspace, text messaging, television, worrying/obsessing, yadda yadda). I waste so much time at work and I'd like to put forth more effort into getting my work done.

Put into action: Be more productive at work and in my personal time. Prioritize the things I need/want to get done first. Stop being so lazy mentally and physically. Time is all we have, so I better make mine useful! Creating to-do lists would be a good start.

6. Make Time For Myself. Although I realize I have lots of goals I'd like to accomplish this year and lots of activities to take up my time, I'd like to remember to schedule in time for myself. All things are good in moderation. I get stressed out very easily so this is a must.

Put into action: Schedule in time to veg out and relax. Create time to tend to my hobbies such as crocheting, reading, and blogging.

Saying Goodbye to 2008

2008-12-30T19:04:00.000-08:00

2008, you were a strange year for me. You started out bad. I was in a relationship with someone for all the wrong reasons. The first three months of you, I was miserable and depressed. Then something crazy happened on March 16th--I was free.

2008, you brought me many firsts. You were the first year in which I have been single for the majority of the year since 2001.

2008, you were the first year I flew on an airplane alone to visit a friend in San Diego for the first time.

2008, you marked the first time I visited New York and went to a Broadway Show with my dad and cousin.

2008, you were the first year I drove myself to the airport, parked my car, got on a plane to Chicago, took the subway train downtown, and went to a graduate school open house on my own.

2008, you were there the first time I ended things with a guy after 3 months of dating when I had a feeling things just wouldn't work out.

2008, you helped me realize that being on my own wasn't so bad and that there were a lot of things I actually enjoyed about being single and living on my own.

2008, you helped me discover my hobbies like crocheting, reading, and writing.

2008, you gave me back my friends I thought I had lost and you brought me closer to my family. You made me realize that those are two things that I cherish deeply and could not live without.

2008, you helped give me the push I needed to pursue grad school and the confidence to know that I will do it.

2008, you helped me find an amazing therapist who has helped me grow as a person and tackle issues I never thought I could talk about with anyone. I am so blessed.

2008, you were an amazing year. You have taught me so much about myself and others. I know sometimes I may have been angry at you and I didn't always understand why you put me through the things you did, but now I realize it was all for a reason. I love you so much for what you have represented for me and while it is bittersweet to say goodbye, I know that we must part ways.

I can't wait to see what surprises await me in 2009!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T08:24:00.000-08:00

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!

Goodie Day

2008-12-23T09:59:00.001-08:00

Today is Goodie Day at work. A day where co-workers come together to celebrate the holidays with a variety of holiday treats. From Velveeta cheese & salsa dip in the crockpot, to Chex Mix, to cupcakes, cookies, and pies--we've got everything your inner "fat girl" desires.

I was most impressed with the cupcakes Gale brought in. So impressed that I had some fun with Photoshop this morning. Take a look below.

These are just regular chocolate cupcakes topped with icing and sprinkled with chocolate and crushed candy cane.

I love the cupcake stand she used. It really does add a lot to the presentation and it's actually the entire reason behind why I even bothered to photograph the cupcakes in the first place. The only drawback that I can see is that the display is far too pretty to eat because the cupcakes haven't even been touched!

You can purchase a Wilton Cupcakes 'N More Dessert Stand at Bed, Bath, and Beyond for a mere $19.99. Use a 20% off coupon and you'll save an extra $4.00 before tax. It would be a great addition to any occasion--birthdays, holidays, weddings, anniversaries, you name it.

I also got a $10 Starbucks giftcard from my manager, which was very thoughtful. I love how everyone knows just how much I love my Starbucks in the morning. I broke down and bought Starbucks coffee to brew at home just to cut back on my weekly spending. I could easily drop $20 a week on Starbucks, no kidding. If I'm lucky, I'll get a few more in my stocking!

Practice Makes Perfect (or at least that's what they say)

2008-12-18T19:29:00.001-08:00

I guess a part of knowing yourself is knowing yourself. I love self-reflection but I hate identifying patterns that are unhelpful in life. It forces you to consider how your actions are going to affect your feelings, what your feelings say about your desires, and what you're going to have to change in order to get your desires met. Change, that is the hardest part.

Today in therapy I discovered that I am a people-pleaser. Well, actually it's more complicated than that. At almost any cost, I will say or do things in order to comfort and make someone else feel better, when the actual person who needs reassurance and comforting is me. Case in point: I think I'm dating some guy when said guy begins complaining to me about not feeling desirable to other girls. I could have said--"I'm a little confused, I thought that we went on a date and now you're talking to me about other girls like I am a friend. If that's the case, we can just be friends"--or one of the other straight-forward snappy comebacks my therapist throws into the suggestion box that sends me reeling into a fit of laughter. But instead of saying how I actually feel, I end up reassuring him that whoever he is talking about must have bad taste because I, for one, like nice guys.

But don't even get me started about whether or not he is a nice guy because I am still debating. Deep down I think he is and perhaps that is the problem. A nice guy who recently got a divorce and knows all about how a bad relationship is and can explain to me in detail why it failed and what it takes to have a good one. Holy Mother of God, I think, he is speaking my truth! Every word that comes out of his mouth I have experienced and I can't believe there is a man out there who truly comprehends what it takes to sustain a relationship. Communication, openness, compromise, truth, yadda yadda--hearing those words makes me feel as though someone finally gets it.

Except he doesn't because he is a hypocrite. I have a lot of sympathy for people and maybe he's just going through something right now. I mean, a divorce is a big deal but he admits that he chooses bad partners, women who he wants to rescue or help. Then when they realize he's too nice and that the comfort of a good relationship is too boring for them, they leave. It's hard for me to have that much sympathy though because while he's wasting his time complaining about a past relationship and a woman who wrecked his life, and the bad decisions he made by even choosing to be with her, he is ignoring the fact that there is a beautiful woman on the other end of the conversation who has a lot to offer and who any guy would be lucky to have (umm... hello, me! (^_~).

So, this is the point where I take what I learned in therapy and I use it. I tell him let's cut through the bs (yes, I said that!) nobody needs friends who live an hour and a half away. Besides who's kidding themselves because friends don't kiss, or cuddle, and they especially don't sleep next to each other. I tell him that I can't do any of that with him anymore because I like nice guys and I want to find a nice guy to be in a relationship with, but I know I'll end up getting my feelings hurt if we continue down this path. That seriously took a lot of balls because like I told my therapist earlier today, I hate rejection which is why it's so hard for me to tell the truth sometimes.

It got a bit quiet on the other end, but he finally broke the awkwardness by saying that he understood where I was coming from, which was a nice thing to say. The weird thing is I actually do feel a little bit better knowing that I was able to tell the truth and it was okay. Not only that, but I was able to recognize what I needed to do in this situation to make myself feel better and to avoid what I inevitably knew would happen. I can't do the casual fling thing and especially not with a guy who is genuinely sweet and caring. That makes it even more dangerous because his actions easily come off as meaning so much more than what they actually do.

I want a guy like that, but I also want a guy who isn't still stuck on his ex and who is able to form healthy relationships with women who are in a healthy place in their lives. I too am guilty of having a past of codependent relationships, but no more. I'm done with trying to change men and help them become the person I want them to be. It's a waste of time and effort, and I'm done with it. If a guy can't see that I'm freaking amazing, then I don't want to waste my time and effort chasing after him or being sad and broken-hearted when it's more than obvious that he doesn't return my same sentiments. I'd rather be alone and save myself the drama and heartache.

Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without therapy. Being able to speak my inner-dialogue and have someone tell me that I make sense is one of the best feelings ever. Even better is learning to trust the voice inside my head and to follow through and do things differently so that I'm not making the same mistakes over and over again. The last thing I want is to be where I was a year ago. Being single is difficult for me because I actually enjoy serious relationships, but its a million times better than being in a bad relationship.

The reason I am in therapy right now is because it is probably the only thing keeping me from making the same mistakes again. Until I can trust 100% that I can do it on my own, I'll continue to be in therapy. It is a gratifying feeling, however, to know that while being faced with the same issues I was faced with a couple years ago, through my work in therapy I am now able to make better choices and outcomes for myself. I hope that those choices will lead me to where I want ultimately want to be in life.

To All The Ladies

2008-12-17T20:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I curse my miserable single life, and then I remember what wonderful girlfriends I have to hang to with, who fill my nights with never-ending laughter. I needed that reminder tonight. Thanks!

Threadless.com

2008-12-17T11:04:00.000-08:00

Threadless.com is another neat website I really enjoy. The concept behind Threadless is that people can submit t-shirt designs in hopes of having their very own design created. The designs are voted on by the Threadless community (basically anyone who has registered account).

If your design is chosen, you will receive all kinds of cool stuff! You earn $2,000 for your design in addition to a $500 Threadless giftcard and an additional $500 each time your design is reprinted. Even if you are not an artist, you still have a chance at earning some extra cash by submitting t-shirts slogans. If your slogan is printed, you get $500.

Right now Threadless is having a big sale. This is the best time to get tees for $5, which is a steal! They also have $10 and $15 tees. But hurry fast before your size runs out (which trust me, it will)!

Jazz-isms

2008-12-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter where you are in life, or what you're going through--Jazz can sum it all up in just a few words. Someecards.com inspired me to come up with a list of my favorite Jazz-isms from 2008.

On Life:

On Friendship:

On Love:

Thanks Jazz, for your never ending wisdom and insight! Can't wait to see what kind of Jazz-isms the New Year brings!

Some E Cards

2008-12-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

One of my new favorite websites is someecards.com--a website where you can find & send hilarious e-cards for every kind of occasion. Their witty and dry approach to e-greetings inspired me to try my hand at a few. I may not have a future with Hallmark, but I had a hell of a time coming up with some e-greetings of my own!

I apologize in advance to those who fail to see the humor in my offensive messages. If you take a look at the website, you'll understand where I got my inspiration.

Confession

Anniversary

Confession

Christmas

Celeb-bodies

2008-12-08T09:24:00.000-08:00

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Tina Fey admits to joining Weight Watchers to lose 30 lbs before stepping in front of cameras on Saturday Night Live. It is a strange comfort to know that looking good does not come at an easy price for all celebrities. Even Janet Jackson has admitted to the little-know fact that she hates working out. If celebrities hate working out, just like I do, and if celebrities must work hard to get the bodies they desire--then why would it be any different for me?

For starters I don't have a nutritionist, a chef, my own home gym, a personal trainer (oh wait, maybe I do) or countless other resources that celebs have at their disposal. I also don't like getting up early in the mornings, I'm too tired to workout after work, I hate cooking, I hate counting calories, I'm busy, and oh did I mention that I don't have time?! While I'm pretty sure most every working adult feels this way, there are still people out there who manage to fit eating healthy and working out around a hectic and busy work schedule--so what room do I have for excuses?

I am aware that the media glorifies a slender ideal for women. I am also aware that it is the job of actresses, musicians, models, and any woman in the public eye to look good. Undoubtedly, even Sarah Palin probably underwent a make-over before announcing her candidacy for V-Pilf in the last election. Logically, I know all these things and yet I still want to be thin.

I don't feel like I carry unreal expectations anymore. I no longer expect myself to be able to maintain a waifish 115 lbs. For some that may be possible, but not for me. I simply want to be back at a weight where I feel confident in my own skin. I want to be able to go shopping and actually enjoy dressing my body instead of trying to hide it. I want to be able to see pictures of myself and not want to cry. I want to be able to go out on dates and have good-looking guys notice me.

I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for satisfaction. Until I find satisfaction with my body, I know I won't be 100% happy and whole on the inside. So no more excuses, it's time to commit to my goals and make this happen. Wish me luck!

Kings Of Leon Nominated for 3 Grammy’s!

2008-12-05T05:24:00.000-08:00

Kings Of Leon have been nominated in 3 different categories for the 2008 Grammy's.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
Sex On Fire

Best Rock Song
Sex On Fire

Best Rock Album
Only By The Night

My friend Lee introduced me to this band back in March of this year. They are absolutely amaaaaaaaaazing and their Grammy nominations speak volumes about their new album. This is by far one of my new favorite groups. They've been around for awhile but are just now starting to get the media attention and recognition they deserve.

Check out their myspace where you can listen to songs from their new album, "Only By The Night."

My favorite tracks on the album include: #1 Closer, #3 Sex on Fire, #6 Revelry, #10 Be Somebody.

My favorite lyrics are the opening to the song Revelry: "What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine, put the fire in my bones with the sweet taste of kerosene."

Thanks? giving

2008-11-30T15:18:00.000-08:00

I went to Orlando for Thanksgiving. It was nice to see family. It was nice to be in the sun. It was nice to score a couple sweet deals--3 new jackets for the price of one. A formal winter jacket, a casual winter jacket, and a rain jacket. The food was nice. The people were nice. Nice, nice, nice... What was not nice were the voices of criticism, shame, and hopelessness.

Threw my jeans in the dryer before I left for my trip. Big mistake. They shrunk and felt two times tighter than I could wear comfortably, but I wore them anyway because they were the only jeans that I currently fit. I don't even fit into last year's "fat pants" that literally used to fall off of me and expose my rear end to the entire world. By the time we hopped off the plane and stepped onto ground once again, a series of sharp pains in my stomach ensued and they did not stop there. In fact, I spent my entire Thanksgiving doubled over in pain.

The following day, most of the pain had faded, but I embarrassingly had to roam the entire Millenia Mall with the top button of my jeans undone because I didn't want a repeat of the previous day. I tried to find jeans that fit but no luck there. As my mini-vacation continued on, the voices inside my head didn't get any nicer. I was consumed by thoughts of failure in my healthy eating/exercise plan, feelings of overall unhappiness with my figure and outright rage towards my jeans--the source of how this whole problem began. At one point I even thought maybe I was pregnant and seriously considered buying a pregnancy test! Surely that would explain my bulging belly and unexpected weight gain.

I didn't understand it. I'd been working so hard--exercising more and eating better than I had in an extremely long time. It all felt like it had been for nothing and rather than lose weight I had gained weight. This time, I couldn't blame the scale for "lying" to me. This time it was my clothes telling me straight up--"you no longer fit into us. Time to get a size up." Even my dad, who is normally the one feeding me negative thoughts, took the opposite route and told me "it takes time to lose weight." Fine, I get that. But seriously to think I gained weight after all my hard work? That's a slap in the face.

To make matters worse, when I returned home and uploaded new pix from the trip to my computer, my jaw nearly hit the desk. That is what I look like? A year ago, I was so tiny I felt like I was disappearing. Yes, I may have been very unhappy at the time, but if this is the cost of happiness then I seriously question if it's worth it. I've always had issues with self-esteem, but when I was at my heaviest, it was dangerous. The voice of "Ed," a catchy abbreviation which stands for eating disorder, was back. And today it finally happened, I fell back into my disease, one I had been mostly free from for more than two years. I choose not to see my relapse as a failure, but as a sign that not all is right. What worries me most is that I won't be able to turn around those negative voices so quickly.

So here I am at a fork in the road and I need to figure out which direction to take. Do I continue to focus my energies on weight loss, or am I like the recovered alcoholic who learns the hard way that "just one drink" will quickly turn into a chain of events that lands him right back into his disease once again? I ask myself the same question David Carr addresses towards the end of his book, The Night of the Gun, which focuses on his addiction and recovery from drugs and alcohol--"why [had] I flopped around for three years before admitting I was right the first time when I said I was powerless over alcohol"? Replace "food" with "alcohol" and you've got me.

Ashley Simpson Has A Baby Boy

2008-11-22T12:57:00.000-08:00

Ashley Simpson just had her baby boy and you can bet she's following in the footsteps of the many other celebs in the baby naming trend that's hit Hollywood. You see, in an effort to make their children feel both unique and special, celebs have taken baby naming to the extreme. Names like Apple (Gweneth Paltro's daughter), Harlow (Nicole Richie's daugher), Cruz (David and Victoria Beckham's son) and Jermajesty (Jermaine Jackson's son), are not just unique names, but altogether strange names that lest for a few exceptions sound befitting for slew of pimps and hoes.

Why is there such a obsession in Hollywood with odd-ball and attention-grabbing baby names? Don't celebrities already attract enough attention? It's pretty obvious that many celebs crave the limelight, but are they setting a path for their children as well? Only time can tell. As for me? I'm sticking with names that are rare but beautiful, classic and timeless. For a girl--Lily Carmen. For a boy--Porter. Well, for now anyway...

And Ashley Simpson's name of choice? Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Barf, barf, and triple barf!

Bad Relationships

2008-11-15T06:18:00.000-08:00

Today I feel like writing. But about what? What possible jewels of wisdom could I share with the world? I'm a 25 year old who currently lives in the same town I grew up in. I have a degree and a job that I don't quite love. Most of my adult life I've spent in a series of bad relationships and therapy. The scary part is, I don't know what's next. The exciting part is, I don't know what's next!

What I do know is, I see a lot of women in my same position. I think back to the classic argument of nature versus nurture, and I still cannot pinpoint what it is that makes women so different from men. For some reason, many of us find it impossible to walk away from a bad relationship. We want to fix these men and pray that through our own love, understanding, and guidance we can help guide that transformation along. Wrong. 100% dead wrong.

The problem is not them, it's us. There's something hardwired in our brains that tells us we deserve this. Maybe we came from a family where our mothers were treated similarly, or maybe we felt abandoned, abused, and neglected. When you're used to that, you don't know the difference between a good relationship and a bad one--all you know is familiarity.

Dr. Drew constantly reminds me, through the calls he receives on his radio show, that women like myself are attracted to men who remind them of the things they once found terrifying in childhood. Trauma, he calls it. I call it bad luck. Bad luck that for every 10 guys you are attracted to, 9 of the ones who seem like nice guys will only end up leaving you stranded in the Taco Bell parking lot, half an hour away from home (yes--that almost happened to me). Or worse yet, that they will spoil you with attention for 3 weeks, confess their undying love for you, and then leave you at the drop of a pin when their ex-girlfriend that they complained about for god-knows-how-long, proposes to have a threesome. That's love right there, folks.

You see, that's where it gets tricky because in the beginning these so-called nice guys always put their best foot forward. But within a few short weeks their true personalities start to show through--farts and everything. There's nothing you can do but be aware of your unhealthy attraction to jerks and go for guys that seem slightly less appealing--the real nice guys. If that sounds like settling, it may seem to be at first. Nice guys aren't going to have the sexy long hair, pick you up on their greasy motorcycles, or make you play cat-and-mouse games that drive you up the wall but leave you feeling oh-so-satisfied at the end. Nope, those things simply won't be there. But nice guys will take the time to listen when you want to talk things out, make you soup when your not feeling so well, and opt to stay in with you rather than go out for a night with the guys just because. Besides, aren't those the things that really count?

So, what I've learned is that instead of putting myself through more painful scenarios, I need to sit back and try to focus on the things I want out of life. Marriage, children, a house--a loving family. Time is of the essence, they say. At the ripe old age of 25 I may have years ahead of me, but what I lack is patience. However, one must learn to be patient because while I recognize that I don't want to spend my better years like the stereotypical old cat lady (except that I have a dog and I crochet instead of knit), I also recognize that I don't want to waste my time being in an unfulfilling relationship that's headed down a road to No-wheres-ville either.

I guess that's the difference between the women who find themselves in good relationships and those who find themselves in bad ones. I always thought that other women were just lucky, but the truth is they made a choice. They put a price on their own self-worth and chose not to accept any less than what they deserve.

While it may seem hopeless at times, at some point you have to decide for yourself--what am I worth? What will or won't I put up with in a relationship? What things do I have to have? For many, being alone is a frightening idea, but it also gives you a chance to reflect on yourself, get to know yourself, and build yourself up to the best version of you that you can be. If you treat yourself right then others will follow by example.

Sometimes our biggest strength comes from the times when we feel our weakest, but it's always there waiting in the reserves for the moments in life that will test us. Maybe that moment's now, or maybe it's further down the road. The only real advice that I can offer is that whenever that moment comes, you will get through it. Life always has a way of working things out.

So ladies, do yourselves a favor and ditch the loser, turn towards your family & friends for support, and remember that life goes on. And who knows, Mr. Right could be waiting around the corner, and if you delay, you just might miss him.

Cognitive Dissonance

2008-11-09T18:06:00.000-08:00

How can someone with no emotions
Connect to a music so deep
How can you live a life on the surface
When your always hiding under the sheets

You have a talent for
Creating music that has truth and meaning
Without actually meaning to

Music's what brought us together
But what sets us apart
Is that the emotions I feel are more real
Than the hours you spend laying down new tracks
I have more realness in my pinky toe
Than you have in your entire body and soul

My Post Halloween Update

2008-11-06T17:14:00.000-08:00

Exciting things are happening. The next couple months will be a busy time for me as the holidays approach. For Thanksgiving I'm going to Orlando to spend the holiday with my dad's side of the family. Then December will be filled with holiday parties. My work throws a beautiful get together at the owner's home complete with appetizers, dinner, desert and a fully stocked bar. Then on the 6th of December, Darcy and I will be planning a holiday party at her & Randy's place. I think we're going to make it a cocktail party. I'm not thrilled about dressing up, but I love putting together holiday themed menus. I already have an idea for one appetizer (fig & jam goat cheese crostini). It may sound gross to some, but the flavors of fig & goat cheese fit right in with the holidays.

On top of all that, two of my best friends from my high school days will be arriving back in town around the middle of December. Emma's flying in from Germany, and Jackie is coming back from Japan. We're all going to get together and probably head to our favorite townie bar--the Vid. It'll be like a big high school reunion. We did that last year and it was so much fun. I love being able to catch up on old times. Jackie also mentioned the idea of going to Chicago for New Year's Eve. I am so excited at the prospect of spending New Year's somewhere new! Although come to think of it, I've spent a few New Year's in interesting places other than Bloomington--one in Peru, one in Pasadena (Cali), and one in French Lick at the casino.

Apart from having a hectic social schedule, I have been really trying to make time for myself. It's strange to think by the middle of this month, I will have been single for 8 months. That is seriously the longest I've been single since I was 18, and at 25 years old, that's saying a lot. It's strange to know myself outside of the confines of a relationship. Not that I find a relationship confining at all--at least not a healthy one. I guess that is the purpose of my singlehood. For a long time I was in an unhealthy relationship (1 1/2 years) and that wasn't even the first. I think the more that I begin to trust myself and listen to my instincts, the better I will be at evaluating future relationships.

My desire for intimacy and closeness is strong, much stronger than my need to be independent. But I no longer consider that due to the fact that I am scared of being alone. I've been on my own awhile now and I've become pretty accustomed to it. In the end, I realize I much more prefer the company of myself to the company of the someone who is not a good fit for me. And while it may sound strange to others, my ultimate life goal is to raise a family of my own and to be both a wife and mother. It's not that other things don't interest me--I have lots of interests. I guess I just like the idea of family. More than anything, I want to be a positive role model to my kids. I want to give them the things I didn't have as a child and I'm not talking material possessions here. Also, I have a strong maternal instinct. I like being a caretaker and a nurturer. Those roles come very naturally to me.

But for now, I'm working on myself. I'm developing a relationship with myself for the first time ever, and asking myself what it is that I want. Today I just wanted to come home and relax, read my book, and write. In the long term, I'm considering what kind of career I'd like to pursue and looking into graduate schools. I'm considering whether I want to stay in Indiana, or even in Bloomington. I'm trying to work on my self-esteem by working out, eating healthier, and turning negative self-talk into positive. I'm spending time with the people I love and care about--my friends, my family, and my dog. Right now, my life feels complete once again, and I am happy with that.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T09:42:00.000-07:00

The Secret

2008-10-30T17:56:00.000-07:00

Quote from the movie The Secret:

You've come to this juncture in your life merely because something in you kept saying you deserve to be happy.

You were born to add value,
to add something to this world,
to simply be the best that you can be.

Every single thing you've been through,
Every single moment that you've come through,
Were all to prepare you for this moment right now.

Now you get that you are the creator of your destiny.
Imagine what you can do from this day forward with what you now know.
What will you do with the moment?
How will you seize the moment?

No one else can dance your dance,
No one else can sing your song,
No one else can write your story.

Who you are, what you do, begins right now...

I Am Like An Atom Bomb

2008-10-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

I am like an atom bomb
Ticking
Waiting to explode
Or maybe I will implode

But wait
What's that?
I feel myself getting stronger
I am no longer the thing I feared
The girl that was weak
Afraid to speak
Her truth

You see
I have made it this far
With only myself to rely on
It would have been so easy to give up
Give in
Live more lies

Instead I chose to cry
Over life
Over him
Over me

You see
You didn't deserve me
You deserted me
I deserted you
Neither cared enough
To see this through

It was rough
and still is
I fell in love with the pieces of you
That reminded me of him
Or him of you

Your passion for my passion
Only yours was stronger
More brilliant, more explosive
I wanted to embody that passion in you
Share with you
Get high off you

But when fakeness turns to fashion
And the evening's high wears off
The morning reveals the lies
Washes off the dirt and make-up
Of what we were
Of what was

The truth is that destiny will not
Cannot
Let me explode
Delay would have been easier
But wasteful
And I am no longer wasteful

So I quit waiting
And starting moving on
Leaving behind the remnants
Of that old atom bomb

A Soulful Relationship

2008-10-23T18:23:00.001-07:00

Interesting article someone shared with me that I thought I would pass on. I'm sure someone out there will find this useful.

A SOULFUL RELATIONSHIP

By Rev. Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship! Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong?

Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note).

Leave a nice message on the voicemail or send a nice email.

Sharing common goals and interests. Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interest. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.

Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the i.

Awareness

2008-10-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

Begin With Awareness by Cheri Huber

Conventional resolutions often fail to do us much good because they were never really designed for us in the first place. The best resolutions are based on thoughtful, heartfelt consideration of what would make us happy. But all too often, we assign ourselves instead to accomplishments or self-improvement tasks approved by other people. We end up working hard (at least for a little while) on things our friends, bosses, partners, parents or our culture at large say are right for us. As well intended as such resolutions might be, they lack the natural appeal and profound meaning that self-generated resolutions can hold. So our first step in the resolutions process is to take a compassionate, nonjudgmental look at ourselves and ask what we really value. Where are we truly energized to focus our energy in the coming months and beyond?

Foster Self-Acceptance

Consider the difference between the following two scenarios: In the first, someone strides up to you and blurts out, “What’s wrong with you, anyway?” Depending on your personal style, you might feel angry, confused, upset, scared, defensive or some combination of these. Now imagine that another person approaches you and asks in a kind voice, “How are you doing?” When you respond, this person listens, nods and shows interest. How do you feel now? Clearly, the second interaction would be far more pleasant, and you would be more willing to share your true thoughts and feelings with this person than with the first.

It is this attitude of open-minded acceptance that you will need to maintain — no matter what you unearth during the “discovery” phase of your resolutions work. Your goal is simply to become keenly aware of those sometimes-faint internal voices that speak your truth.

For example, there is little purpose in following someone else’s advice (directly stated or implied) that you climb the corporate ladder “to provide for your family” if your inner wisdom tells you that what your family needs is more time (than money) spent together. So begin by listening only to your own inner voices, to what resonates as true in your heart and mind, to what your soul tells you is meaningful and right.

Hearing these voices clearly amidst all the external voices we’ve listened to throughout our lives can be difficult, but it’s a little like dealing with a bunch of socks that have been jumbled together in a washer: Initially, those socks are so snarled and intertwined that they’re impossible to sort out. But as you separate them and lay them out, it becomes easier to see what goes with what.

Just Listen

Begin by removing all distractions, sitting down, closing your eyes and listening to your quiet inner voice. At first, you may hear only murmurs, or you may hear an enthusiastic, overeager chorus, each voice trying to out-shout the others. Invite the voices to settle down, and visualize yourself separating them and laying them out neatly in front of you. What have they been telling you that you haven’t yet heard? As you consider the following questions, remember to keep your focus on awareness and observation rather than criticism and judgment.

How do I define myself? Does this match how others see me?
What parts of me (good or bad) am I ignoring or denying?
What values are most important to me?
Are those values and parts of my life being honored by the way I am currently living?Am I “stuck” somehow? Where, and why?
What internal or external obstacles stand in my way?

Once you have gathered your thoughts, ready yourself for action with the following idea: There is virtually no discrepancy or limitation in your life that can’t be transformed by conscious choice. Life presents challenges to everyone. But it also presents us with the capacity to handle whatever comes our way. All it takes is practice, patience and the willingness to discern what’s right for us, right now.

More from Cheri Huber
There Is Nothing Wrong with You (Keep It Simple Books, 2001)
How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be (Hay House, 2000)

Friends May Come & Go But Friendships Stay Forever

2008-10-04T00:28:00.000-07:00

One day my friend told me, "It's hard to make new friends."
But I know that feeling because in my life, I've only made a few great friends. The ones I can say I truly love and care for.
Everytime a great friend leaves its like a stake in the heart.
Feelings of inadequacy follow. Questions like, "Why am I still here?"
Guess it's all part of growing up.
I just don't understand why all the best ones have to go.

Broken Up

2008-08-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

I broke things off with Nahum. I felt and still feel like my decision was the right one, but last night my anxiety was driving me up the wall. I could not stop thinking about him. I began to get sad that I would not have him in my life. But what does he represent to me? Maybe just the possibility of having someone meaningful in my life. Or is it him, as a person, that I fear losing? After looking through some of my journal entries that I wrote while we were dating, I feel like I may just have made the right decision. I want to post some excerpts below.

6/30/08
I may not have wrote to you tonight
But I thought about you
Isn't that always the case anyway?
I thought about getting away from this place
I wondered if you might want to go with me
Or if our journey ends here
That's the hard part about it
When you never really know

Today at my desk I daydreamed
About beautiful white gowns
Sticky sweet cake with thick white icing
And orange
Everything smothered in deep orange
And then there's you
But maybe that's just coincidence

(Skip a bunch of BS)
Here I am now
Happy and different
There's still things missing though
I'm ready to get away

There's a few good entries after that. Skipping those...

7/27/08
You make me nervous
Like someone I cannot touch
I remember our first dates
I had so much to say
I was nervous but I could still speak
Now I am comfortable but still nervous
I am silent because of both

But also I fear now more than before
That every word that passes my lips are non-sense
And that what will then follow is humility

You see, approval means so much to me
It is how I take direction in life
Sometimes I don't think I even know myself
So why would I want you to know me?

I am so needy, so terribly needy sometimes
I would drive you insane
I need reassurance, constantly
Sometimes I find myself completely depressed for no reason
And I have major, major issues from childhood

Emotionally all I want is for someone to care
And to remind me that maybe what I am is good enough
I want to be loved so much I will never have to question it
I want to say what I feel and not feel stupid

7/28/08
I am always full of doubt when it comes to you
I don't feel like I am getting enough
I need more affection
I need more attention
I need you to be interested in me
and ask me questions about me
You say you want to know everything about me
and then you never bother to ask
What is that?

I don't feel right
I cannot open up to you
I cannot even have a great conversation
Maybe we are like two puzzle pieces that just don't fit
They look like they fit but they just don't

Everyone says when they meet that special person
They just know and feel that in their hearts
I just don't know
I've felt that way the whole time

7/31/08
I like lots of affection. I need that. Why can't there just be moments where we lay around to cuddle and talk about life and abstract things? I don't think Nahum likes to do that. I feel like maybe its just not right. If I feel this way now, how am I going to feel months from now? I want someone to love me with their whole being. If they feel that way, but never express it, then what's the point?

I like a guy that likes to be touched and held. I'm so good at that. Kissing him today after that whole argument was like kissing a brick wall. He had no expression on his face. There was no passion.

[end]

I guess the point I take from all of these is that the theme seems to be the same. Sure, I wrote a couple really great entries where I felt completely happy and in love, but then my thoughts begin to take a completely different path and I never got off that path. It seems to me that my mind has been sending off warning bells for awhile now, telling me that things simply don't feel right with Nahum. I felt that even pretty early in our courtship but I kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe that is the mistake I made and the lesson I will learn this time around. There were things I knew I possibly didn't like about him, but I continued seeing him anyway. I didn't always listen to the thoughts in my head. Not to say there aren't good things about him because there are, but I would never feel completely fulfilled or happy with the relationship as is.

Who am I?

2008-08-14T20:05:00.001-07:00

So again I am left wondering--what do I want? Who am I?

My therapist said that the reason he thinks I don't like to be alone is because I don't like myself. I watched a video of myself back in high school and realized just how much I hated myself then. I had to question whether I was the same person then as I am now. In some respects, yes, but in many, no. I feel so much better about how I look these days and even how I interact with people, but I still have my moments (many, many moments) of self-doubt and confusion.

Sometimes I think I would just be happy being married and having a family. I know that is one of my big goals in life. It's not something I want to rush because I want to be with the right person. I read the other day that marriage and children are the result of a good relationship. It makes a lot of sense. You can't go into a relationship expecting these things, they merely happen as a result of the relationship you have.

Tonight G asked me what excited me here in Bloomington. I cannot really think of anything. The last exciting thing I did was go to Radiohead I guess and before that I had a few exciting nights like when Jazz came into town and all of us girls hung out. I think a career in event planning would be great, but the more I even begin to think about that, the more I start to get nervous and think maybe I won't be good at it or maybe I won't enjoy it. It's frustrating. I wish I could just settle into something.

First entry

2008-08-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

So, I finally decided to start a real blog. I'm not sure if I'll let anyone read it. Maybe for now this will give me some kind of peace of mind. Basically, I am starting this because I am on the road to self-discovery. I am doing a lot of things to try to "find myself" and this is one of those things. I just want to live a happy and fulfilling life, and I guess that starts with knowing exactly who I am and what I want in life.

A lot of things changed for me 5 months ago. I got out of a brutal and agonizing relationship that was anything but healthy. Not only did I lose a huge piece of myself, but I also lost a lot of friends along the way. I didn't know how to get out. I can't even describe the fear that was in my heart. I started going to church, just searching for some kind of meaning in my life. I needed hope. Then one day, my prayers were finally answered and by a true miracle I was finally rescued. All I know is, I couldn't have done it on my own. Everything that happened since that day only helped make me stronger and see things for what they really were. From that day on, I never turned back, and I cannot believe some of the wonderful things that have happened since.

I tend to be pessimistic and sometimes I really forget all the great things in my life. It's so easy to focus on the negative. Thinking back to were I was 6 months ago, or a year ago, really puts things into perspective.

So anyway, that is a brief back story. It's getting late, but I will write more later.